Behavioral Consult

[email protected]

Divorce is so common in the United States – ending about half of all marriages – that it will affect many patients and families in your practice. If your practice has about 2,000 children and adolescents from about 1,500 families, for example, hundreds of families will be dealing with predivorce marital tension, the divorce itself, or postdivorce concerns.

Start by screening for family functioning at every annual visit. Specifically, try to identify strife and stress early on, at a time when your inventions have the greatest preventive impact. Ask open-ended questions such as, “How are things going in the family?” or “Is there any tension or discord in the family or in the marriage?”

I recommend using the broader term “discord” because it will pick up a pending divorce and also identify other family stressors for the child. For example, research indicates that the years of arguing and fighting that often precede divorce may be more damaging to the child in the long term than the divorce itself.

Once you identify marital or family stress, strive for the following three long-term goals to optimize a healthy outcome for the child.

▸ First, make sure the child continues to function well in school, with peers, in activities, and in areas of self-esteem. The firr certain key signs that a child is not functioning well. Persistently lower school performance is one sign. Most children are't concentrate or perform as well at school in the year of the divorce, but it is a warning sign if the problems persist. Determine whether the child is still having difficulty adjusting to the divorce, and assess if there is ongoing discord or fighting about visitation, custody, child rearing, or finances after the divorce. Another warning sign is the child who drops an after-school activity during a divorce crisis, and fails to retume itin the next school year.

How a child relates to friends after the divorce can be important. In particular, ascertain how young or midadolescents treat members of the opposite sex. Look for patterns in their relationships that repeat some of the dysfunctional behaviors of their parents' marriage. Keep in mind that children are often unaware that they are repeating these family patterns.

For example, are girls who are adversely affected by divorce especially vulnerable to getting involved with older teenagers who might take advantage of them? Do you see any evidence of longing in the girls, or signs that they are seeking to replace something missing in their paternal relationship? This type of behavior is much less likely if the girl has had a good relationship with her father before, during, and after the divorce.

With teenage boys, consider how they treat their girlfriends. Is the boy supportive in his relationships, or does he have girlfriend after girlfriend because of a callous or insensitive attitude?

Referral for a mental health evaluation might be appropriate if you see a pattern of continuing dysfunction in a major area of the child's life or of unsatisfactory relationships as these younger teenagers enter high school, particularly if they are alienated from a parent.

▸ Second, ensure that parents are open and willing to answer the child's questions as the child tries to make sense of the divorce at each developmental stage. Help postdivorce families encourage the child to ask questions on an ongoing basis. If divorce happened when the child was a toddler, for example, they are going to have questions 5, 10, and 15 years later that they could not conceptualize until they reached the appropriate developmental point.

Parents may need your advice on how best to talk to their 5- or 8-year-old, a time when information should be concrete and straightforward. In contrast, a 14-year-old may be able to understand more conceptual and nuanced answers to their questions. For example, a younger child is unlikely to think about the divorce in terms of an extramarital affair or the impact on their college finances, but that may not be the case when the child is 14 or 15 years old. Keep in mind that many adolescents do not ask parents such difficult questions unless they are given permission in advance, and it's at a time when they feel safe and at ease.

▸ Third, counsel the family to facilitate a good relationship between the child and each parent over the long term. When families come to me and there is a lot of tension about visitation, custody, and money, I often focus them on the long-term goals. I ask, “What kind of relationship do you want with your child 10 and 15 years from now?”; “What is likely to result in a good long-term relationship with them?”; “Do you want to be able to be at their wedding?”; “Do you want to be close to your grandchildren?” Going all out for an extra few hours of visitation or not paying a bill is not likely to help achieve these long-term goals.

Again, early screening and intervention make your job easier. If a patient or family comes to you after years of negativity and a court fight over a bitter divorce, your ability to intervene effectively is already very limited.

Divorce is often an angry and divisive time. You can advise parents not to act out of anger by offering examples of divorcing parents who invested a lot of time and energy into winning short-term victories, only to see their efforts backfire later. Some parents believe that the child will be closer to them if they can make the child angry at the spouse. But children who feel they have to betray one parent to please the other often become resentful of this role over time.

In contrast, children who observe their parents working together with a sense of harmony and cooperation to make the custody, visitation, financial, and other arrangements successful are much less likely to blame themselves for the divorce. They also are much less likely to feel guilty when they connect more to one parent or the other at different points in their development.

It is important to monitor your patients for long-term effects of divorce up to and including the time you transition them to an adult care provider. Ask the older adolescent questions such as, “How do you feel about the divorce now, looking back on it [5, 10, or 15] years later?”; “How do you think it's affected you?”; and “Are there any things you'd like to change?”

If you do a review of how they integrated the divorce when they are in 10th or 11th grade, you will still have time to address any unresolved issues. If the child is distant with one parent, you can at least wonder if this is a point in time to reconnect and repair that relationship before the teenager goes to work or college and moves to being fully independent.

Pediatricians often have limited time to intervene. Some find this work very gratifying and feel comfortable with divorce-related issues. Others may choose to refer the patient to a social worker, psychologist, or child and adolescent psychiatrist, according to the severity of the situation. Some pediatric practices are fortunate to have a full- or part-time social worker.

If you want to counsel but your time is limited, consider offering a divorced-parent discussion and education group in your practice. You and/or a social worker could facilitate this forum. This resource can help parents share their experiences and strategies to ensure that children emerge as happy and healthy as possible after a divorce. In addition, this intervention can be cost-neutral if you charge parents a nominal fee.

[email protected]

Divorce is so common in the United States – ending about half of all marriages – that it will affect many patients and families in your practice. If your practice has about 2,000 children and adolescents from about 1,500 families, for example, hundreds of families will be dealing with predivorce marital tension, the divorce itself, or postdivorce concerns.

Start by screening for family functioning at every annual visit. Specifically, try to identify strife and stress early on, at a time when your inventions have the greatest preventive impact. Ask open-ended questions such as, “How are things going in the family?” or “Is there any tension or discord in the family or in the marriage?”

I recommend using the broader term “discord” because it will pick up a pending divorce and also identify other family stressors for the child. For example, research indicates that the years of arguing and fighting that often precede divorce may be more damaging to the child in the long term than the divorce itself.

Once you identify marital or family stress, strive for the following three long-term goals to optimize a healthy outcome for the child.

▸ First, make sure the child continues to function well in school, with peers, in activities, and in areas of self-esteem. The firr certain key signs that a child is not functioning well. Persistently lower school performance is one sign. Most children are't concentrate or perform as well at school in the year of the divorce, but it is a warning sign if the problems persist. Determine whether the child is still having difficulty adjusting to the divorce, and assess if there is ongoing discord or fighting about visitation, custody, child rearing, or finances after the divorce. Another warning sign is the child who drops an after-school activity during a divorce crisis, and fails to retume itin the next school year.

How a child relates to friends after the divorce can be important. In particular, ascertain how young or midadolescents treat members of the opposite sex. Look for patterns in their relationships that repeat some of the dysfunctional behaviors of their parents' marriage. Keep in mind that children are often unaware that they are repeating these family patterns.

For example, are girls who are adversely affected by divorce especially vulnerable to getting involved with older teenagers who might take advantage of them? Do you see any evidence of longing in the girls, or signs that they are seeking to replace something missing in their paternal relationship? This type of behavior is much less likely if the girl has had a good relationship with her father before, during, and after the divorce.

With teenage boys, consider how they treat their girlfriends. Is the boy supportive in his relationships, or does he have girlfriend after girlfriend because of a callous or insensitive attitude?

Referral for a mental health evaluation might be appropriate if you see a pattern of continuing dysfunction in a major area of the child's life or of unsatisfactory relationships as these younger teenagers enter high school, particularly if they are alienated from a parent.

▸ Second, ensure that parents are open and willing to answer the child's questions as the child tries to make sense of the divorce at each developmental stage. Help postdivorce families encourage the child to ask questions on an ongoing basis. If divorce happened when the child was a toddler, for example, they are going to have questions 5, 10, and 15 years later that they could not conceptualize until they reached the appropriate developmental point.

Parents may need your advice on how best to talk to their 5- or 8-year-old, a time when information should be concrete and straightforward. In contrast, a 14-year-old may be able to understand more conceptual and nuanced answers to their questions. For example, a younger child is unlikely to think about the divorce in terms of an extramarital affair or the impact on their college finances, but that may not be the case when the child is 14 or 15 years old. Keep in mind that many adolescents do not ask parents such difficult questions unless they are given permission in advance, and it's at a time when they feel safe and at ease.

▸ Third, counsel the family to facilitate a good relationship between the child and each parent over the long term. When families come to me and there is a lot of tension about visitation, custody, and money, I often focus them on the long-term goals. I ask, “What kind of relationship do you want with your child 10 and 15 years from now?”; “What is likely to result in a good long-term relationship with them?”; “Do you want to be able to be at their wedding?”; “Do you want to be close to your grandchildren?” Going all out for an extra few hours of visitation or not paying a bill is not likely to help achieve these long-term goals.

Again, early screening and intervention make your job easier. If a patient or family comes to you after years of negativity and a court fight over a bitter divorce, your ability to intervene effectively is already very limited.

Divorce is often an angry and divisive time. You can advise parents not to act out of anger by offering examples of divorcing parents who invested a lot of time and energy into winning short-term victories, only to see their efforts backfire later. Some parents believe that the child will be closer to them if they can make the child angry at the spouse. But children who feel they have to betray one parent to please the other often become resentful of this role over time.

In contrast, children who observe their parents working together with a sense of harmony and cooperation to make the custody, visitation, financial, and other arrangements successful are much less likely to blame themselves for the divorce. They also are much less likely to feel guilty when they connect more to one parent or the other at different points in their development.

It is important to monitor your patients for long-term effects of divorce up to and including the time you transition them to an adult care provider. Ask the older adolescent questions such as, “How do you feel about the divorce now, looking back on it [5, 10, or 15] years later?”; “How do you think it's affected you?”; and “Are there any things you'd like to change?”

If you do a review of how they integrated the divorce when they are in 10th or 11th grade, you will still have time to address any unresolved issues. If the child is distant with one parent, you can at least wonder if this is a point in time to reconnect and repair that relationship before the teenager goes to work or college and moves to being fully independent.

Pediatricians often have limited time to intervene. Some find this work very gratifying and feel comfortable with divorce-related issues. Others may choose to refer the patient to a social worker, psychologist, or child and adolescent psychiatrist, according to the severity of the situation. Some pediatric practices are fortunate to have a full- or part-time social worker.

If you want to counsel but your time is limited, consider offering a divorced-parent discussion and education group in your practice. You and/or a social worker could facilitate this forum. This resource can help parents share their experiences and strategies to ensure that children emerge as happy and healthy as possible after a divorce. In addition, this intervention can be cost-neutral if you charge parents a nominal fee.

[email protected]

Divorce is so common in the United States – ending about half of all marriages – that it will affect many patients and families in your practice. If your practice has about 2,000 children and adolescents from about 1,500 families, for example, hundreds of families will be dealing with predivorce marital tension, the divorce itself, or postdivorce concerns.

Start by screening for family functioning at every annual visit. Specifically, try to identify strife and stress early on, at a time when your inventions have the greatest preventive impact. Ask open-ended questions such as, “How are things going in the family?” or “Is there any tension or discord in the family or in the marriage?”

I recommend using the broader term “discord” because it will pick up a pending divorce and also identify other family stressors for the child. For example, research indicates that the years of arguing and fighting that often precede divorce may be more damaging to the child in the long term than the divorce itself.

Once you identify marital or family stress, strive for the following three long-term goals to optimize a healthy outcome for the child.

▸ First, make sure the child continues to function well in school, with peers, in activities, and in areas of self-esteem. The firr certain key signs that a child is not functioning well. Persistently lower school performance is one sign. Most children are't concentrate or perform as well at school in the year of the divorce, but it is a warning sign if the problems persist. Determine whether the child is still having difficulty adjusting to the divorce, and assess if there is ongoing discord or fighting about visitation, custody, child rearing, or finances after the divorce. Another warning sign is the child who drops an after-school activity during a divorce crisis, and fails to retume itin the next school year.

How a child relates to friends after the divorce can be important. In particular, ascertain how young or midadolescents treat members of the opposite sex. Look for patterns in their relationships that repeat some of the dysfunctional behaviors of their parents' marriage. Keep in mind that children are often unaware that they are repeating these family patterns.

For example, are girls who are adversely affected by divorce especially vulnerable to getting involved with older teenagers who might take advantage of them? Do you see any evidence of longing in the girls, or signs that they are seeking to replace something missing in their paternal relationship? This type of behavior is much less likely if the girl has had a good relationship with her father before, during, and after the divorce.

With teenage boys, consider how they treat their girlfriends. Is the boy supportive in his relationships, or does he have girlfriend after girlfriend because of a callous or insensitive attitude?

Referral for a mental health evaluation might be appropriate if you see a pattern of continuing dysfunction in a major area of the child's life or of unsatisfactory relationships as these younger teenagers enter high school, particularly if they are alienated from a parent.

▸ Second, ensure that parents are open and willing to answer the child's questions as the child tries to make sense of the divorce at each developmental stage. Help postdivorce families encourage the child to ask questions on an ongoing basis. If divorce happened when the child was a toddler, for example, they are going to have questions 5, 10, and 15 years later that they could not conceptualize until they reached the appropriate developmental point.

Parents may need your advice on how best to talk to their 5- or 8-year-old, a time when information should be concrete and straightforward. In contrast, a 14-year-old may be able to understand more conceptual and nuanced answers to their questions. For example, a younger child is unlikely to think about the divorce in terms of an extramarital affair or the impact on their college finances, but that may not be the case when the child is 14 or 15 years old. Keep in mind that many adolescents do not ask parents such difficult questions unless they are given permission in advance, and it's at a time when they feel safe and at ease.

▸ Third, counsel the family to facilitate a good relationship between the child and each parent over the long term. When families come to me and there is a lot of tension about visitation, custody, and money, I often focus them on the long-term goals. I ask, “What kind of relationship do you want with your child 10 and 15 years from now?”; “What is likely to result in a good long-term relationship with them?”; “Do you want to be able to be at their wedding?”; “Do you want to be close to your grandchildren?” Going all out for an extra few hours of visitation or not paying a bill is not likely to help achieve these long-term goals.

Again, early screening and intervention make your job easier. If a patient or family comes to you after years of negativity and a court fight over a bitter divorce, your ability to intervene effectively is already very limited.

Divorce is often an angry and divisive time. You can advise parents not to act out of anger by offering examples of divorcing parents who invested a lot of time and energy into winning short-term victories, only to see their efforts backfire later. Some parents believe that the child will be closer to them if they can make the child angry at the spouse. But children who feel they have to betray one parent to please the other often become resentful of this role over time.

In contrast, children who observe their parents working together with a sense of harmony and cooperation to make the custody, visitation, financial, and other arrangements successful are much less likely to blame themselves for the divorce. They also are much less likely to feel guilty when they connect more to one parent or the other at different points in their development.

It is important to monitor your patients for long-term effects of divorce up to and including the time you transition them to an adult care provider. Ask the older adolescent questions such as, “How do you feel about the divorce now, looking back on it [5, 10, or 15] years later?”; “How do you think it's affected you?”; and “Are there any things you'd like to change?”

If you do a review of how they integrated the divorce when they are in 10th or 11th grade, you will still have time to address any unresolved issues. If the child is distant with one parent, you can at least wonder if this is a point in time to reconnect and repair that relationship before the teenager goes to work or college and moves to being fully independent.

Pediatricians often have limited time to intervene. Some find this work very gratifying and feel comfortable with divorce-related issues. Others may choose to refer the patient to a social worker, psychologist, or child and adolescent psychiatrist, according to the severity of the situation. Some pediatric practices are fortunate to have a full- or part-time social worker.

If you want to counsel but your time is limited, consider offering a divorced-parent discussion and education group in your practice. You and/or a social worker could facilitate this forum. This resource can help parents share their experiences and strategies to ensure that children emerge as happy and healthy as possible after a divorce. In addition, this intervention can be cost-neutral if you charge parents a nominal fee.

www.CHADIS.com[email protected]

Adolescents are often the most intimidating of our patients. Let's face it: Most of us chose pediatrics because we like little kids. If a 15-minute office visit with a sullen teenager can be so difficult, imagine living with one 24/7. Actually, many of us won't have to imagine—we ourselves are the parents of adolescents, and we know just how challenging that can be.

Despite our own feelings of inadequacy, we can help parents make the transition from raising the innocent younger child to guiding the testy teen into adulthood. A failure to make that transition in parenting style can contribute greatly to a suboptimal outcome.

But your guidance needs to start early. When a parent comes into the office demanding that you administer a drug test or a pregnancy test, you have probably missed the window for effective action. The horse is well out of the barn.

The time to start is earlier—much earlier. All of parenting involves the balancing act between supporting dependency and promoting independence. When people first become parents, they are consumed with accepting the huge dependency of their baby. As the child gets older, parents must allow the child more independence for things to go smoothly.

But adolescence is a time when that balancing act requires truly skilled acrobatics. Teens and their parents need to negotiate the “Four I's” of adolescent development: Initiative, Individuation, Independence, and Intimacy.

Adolescents clearly need to take the initiative in their activities, including when they do their chores and how they manage homework. If parents get in the way and try to structure all of that, they're going to get a lot of pushback.

In terms of individuation—discovering who they are—teenagers are highly sensitive to the standards of peers. They're more interested in what their peers think they should do than what their parents think they should do. On one level, this includes how many ear piercings they have and how they dress. But on a broader level, they need to think their parents are wrong about most things in order to feel “like their own person.” Offering an opinion can be beneficial in giving the adolescent something to counter, but ideally save consequences for more substantial failings. In terms of independence, teenagers are better educated by learning from the consequences of their own actions when those actions are not harmful to their futures.

And in terms of intimacy, teens want and need privacy for their budding relationships. Parents need to learn how to be available to talk about relationships, but not ask too many questions.

Different teens move through these changes at different times. And on top of that, the transition may not always go in one direction. A teen may want to be very independent in choosing her clothes. But the same teen may want a lot of parental help on getting her homework done and on handling peer situations. That's part of what makes parenting adolescents so difficult.

Parents need to gradually release control and let their teens exert more independence. But the key word in that sentence is “gradually,” and parents need to be alert for signs that the child is not ready or has not yet earned that freedom.

Let's say the parents have allowed their 13-year-old to have a cell phone. Let's say that a few weeks later, the child hurls the phone against the wall in anger, shattering it beyond repair. Some parents might be tempted to say: “That's it. I'm not buying you another cell phone until you're in college,” but that is unlikely to be the most educational solution. The time frame should be measured in days or weeks, not in months or years. If consequences are too severe, kids tend to write their parents off completely and feel they have been written off.

Instead, the parents should give the teen a clear path to re-earning the privilege, negotiating the terms. Maybe he has to contribute 80% of his allowance and do some extra chores until the phone is paid for. Showing that they're reasonable and willing to negotiate is a model of adult behavior, and it's also their key to success.

The older the child, the more important it is to negotiate what the rules are to be, and also what exceptions there might be. It's fine if there's a general rule that they can't stay out after 11 o'clock. But if a special event comes along that starts at 10 o'clock and won't end until 2 a.m., it's best to be flexible about the curfew this one time. When teens and parents negotiate one-time exceptions as needed, there is structure but rebellion or sneaking is not brought out.

Negotiation is important. A 30-year longitudinal study from the University of California, Berkeley, demonstrated that parents who managed to negotiate the rules with their children had more harmonious relationships with them later (New Dir. Child Adolesc. Dev. 2005;108:61–9). Often a dynamic arises in families where the parents are so generally annoyed with their teen that they reflexively answer, “No!” to any request. That can be really counterproductive when it comes to parenting adolescents. The first response should be: “Yes, if at all possible. Let's talk about it.”

I recommend that parents explicitly discuss the request using the following six points in deciding with the adolescent on their request. Posting these on the refrigerator and making discussing them a routine lets the teen know they are being taken seriously, slows the reflex to say “no,” and may help install them as a mantra in the teen's brain for future decision making:

Six Guides for Decision Making

1. Is it safe?

2. Is it legal?

3. Does it conflict with responsibilities?

4. Does it meet a developmental need?

5. Does it interfere with others?

6. Could it harm his/her development?

Anyone who's read “The Catcher in the Rye” (New York: Little, Brown and Co., 1951) by J.D. Salinger knows that teenagers are especially sensitive to hypocrisy. Parents often talk about the importance of being a moral person, but the teen is aware that they're cheating on their income taxes. They will reject their parents' moral code if they see them being hypocritical.

Clearly, the best way for the parent to encourage their offspring to uphold good moral standards is to actually live those standards 24/7. But almost everyone fails to live up to those standards from time to time, and if they're parents of an adolescent, the teen is sure to be right there when they do. Adolescents appreciate and learn from honesty when that happens. The parent could admit, “Yes, I know I said that you should never curse another driver, but I was so angry that I forgot my own rule.”

In these days of one- and two-child families, where parents often depend on their own children for friendship and companionship, it can be especially devastating to hear a teen say: “I hate you. You're the worst parents ever.” When that happens—and it's almost certain to happen, since it's the rare child who never utters such a sentiment—the parent's best response is not to rise to the bait of an angry teenager. They don't really mean it. And if the parent shows too much visible distress, or starts to punish them for saying those things, there won't be as much opportunity to recover. A simple “I am sorry you feel that way right now. I can see that you are really angry about [my decision, your curfew, what I said].”

And when the teen notices that the parent has not reacted to such provocation, that in itself is a valuable life lesson. The next time a street tough tosses off an insult, he'll be more likely to simply shrug his shoulders and walk away. For additional information on dealing with adolescents, the American Academy of Pediatrics maintains a particularly good collection of resources for parents at www.healthychildren.org

www.CHADIS.com[email protected]

Adolescents are often the most intimidating of our patients. Let's face it: Most of us chose pediatrics because we like little kids. If a 15-minute office visit with a sullen teenager can be so difficult, imagine living with one 24/7. Actually, many of us won't have to imagine—we ourselves are the parents of adolescents, and we know just how challenging that can be.

Despite our own feelings of inadequacy, we can help parents make the transition from raising the innocent younger child to guiding the testy teen into adulthood. A failure to make that transition in parenting style can contribute greatly to a suboptimal outcome.

But your guidance needs to start early. When a parent comes into the office demanding that you administer a drug test or a pregnancy test, you have probably missed the window for effective action. The horse is well out of the barn.

The time to start is earlier—much earlier. All of parenting involves the balancing act between supporting dependency and promoting independence. When people first become parents, they are consumed with accepting the huge dependency of their baby. As the child gets older, parents must allow the child more independence for things to go smoothly.

But adolescence is a time when that balancing act requires truly skilled acrobatics. Teens and their parents need to negotiate the “Four I's” of adolescent development: Initiative, Individuation, Independence, and Intimacy.

Adolescents clearly need to take the initiative in their activities, including when they do their chores and how they manage homework. If parents get in the way and try to structure all of that, they're going to get a lot of pushback.

In terms of individuation—discovering who they are—teenagers are highly sensitive to the standards of peers. They're more interested in what their peers think they should do than what their parents think they should do. On one level, this includes how many ear piercings they have and how they dress. But on a broader level, they need to think their parents are wrong about most things in order to feel “like their own person.” Offering an opinion can be beneficial in giving the adolescent something to counter, but ideally save consequences for more substantial failings. In terms of independence, teenagers are better educated by learning from the consequences of their own actions when those actions are not harmful to their futures.

And in terms of intimacy, teens want and need privacy for their budding relationships. Parents need to learn how to be available to talk about relationships, but not ask too many questions.

Different teens move through these changes at different times. And on top of that, the transition may not always go in one direction. A teen may want to be very independent in choosing her clothes. But the same teen may want a lot of parental help on getting her homework done and on handling peer situations. That's part of what makes parenting adolescents so difficult.

Parents need to gradually release control and let their teens exert more independence. But the key word in that sentence is “gradually,” and parents need to be alert for signs that the child is not ready or has not yet earned that freedom.

Let's say the parents have allowed their 13-year-old to have a cell phone. Let's say that a few weeks later, the child hurls the phone against the wall in anger, shattering it beyond repair. Some parents might be tempted to say: “That's it. I'm not buying you another cell phone until you're in college,” but that is unlikely to be the most educational solution. The time frame should be measured in days or weeks, not in months or years. If consequences are too severe, kids tend to write their parents off completely and feel they have been written off.

Instead, the parents should give the teen a clear path to re-earning the privilege, negotiating the terms. Maybe he has to contribute 80% of his allowance and do some extra chores until the phone is paid for. Showing that they're reasonable and willing to negotiate is a model of adult behavior, and it's also their key to success.

The older the child, the more important it is to negotiate what the rules are to be, and also what exceptions there might be. It's fine if there's a general rule that they can't stay out after 11 o'clock. But if a special event comes along that starts at 10 o'clock and won't end until 2 a.m., it's best to be flexible about the curfew this one time. When teens and parents negotiate one-time exceptions as needed, there is structure but rebellion or sneaking is not brought out.

Negotiation is important. A 30-year longitudinal study from the University of California, Berkeley, demonstrated that parents who managed to negotiate the rules with their children had more harmonious relationships with them later (New Dir. Child Adolesc. Dev. 2005;108:61–9). Often a dynamic arises in families where the parents are so generally annoyed with their teen that they reflexively answer, “No!” to any request. That can be really counterproductive when it comes to parenting adolescents. The first response should be: “Yes, if at all possible. Let's talk about it.”

I recommend that parents explicitly discuss the request using the following six points in deciding with the adolescent on their request. Posting these on the refrigerator and making discussing them a routine lets the teen know they are being taken seriously, slows the reflex to say “no,” and may help install them as a mantra in the teen's brain for future decision making:

Six Guides for Decision Making

1. Is it safe?

2. Is it legal?

3. Does it conflict with responsibilities?

4. Does it meet a developmental need?

5. Does it interfere with others?

6. Could it harm his/her development?

Anyone who's read “The Catcher in the Rye” (New York: Little, Brown and Co., 1951) by J.D. Salinger knows that teenagers are especially sensitive to hypocrisy. Parents often talk about the importance of being a moral person, but the teen is aware that they're cheating on their income taxes. They will reject their parents' moral code if they see them being hypocritical.

Clearly, the best way for the parent to encourage their offspring to uphold good moral standards is to actually live those standards 24/7. But almost everyone fails to live up to those standards from time to time, and if they're parents of an adolescent, the teen is sure to be right there when they do. Adolescents appreciate and learn from honesty when that happens. The parent could admit, “Yes, I know I said that you should never curse another driver, but I was so angry that I forgot my own rule.”

In these days of one- and two-child families, where parents often depend on their own children for friendship and companionship, it can be especially devastating to hear a teen say: “I hate you. You're the worst parents ever.” When that happens—and it's almost certain to happen, since it's the rare child who never utters such a sentiment—the parent's best response is not to rise to the bait of an angry teenager. They don't really mean it. And if the parent shows too much visible distress, or starts to punish them for saying those things, there won't be as much opportunity to recover. A simple “I am sorry you feel that way right now. I can see that you are really angry about [my decision, your curfew, what I said].”

And when the teen notices that the parent has not reacted to such provocation, that in itself is a valuable life lesson. The next time a street tough tosses off an insult, he'll be more likely to simply shrug his shoulders and walk away. For additional information on dealing with adolescents, the American Academy of Pediatrics maintains a particularly good collection of resources for parents at www.healthychildren.org

www.CHADIS.com[email protected]

Adolescents are often the most intimidating of our patients. Let's face it: Most of us chose pediatrics because we like little kids. If a 15-minute office visit with a sullen teenager can be so difficult, imagine living with one 24/7. Actually, many of us won't have to imagine—we ourselves are the parents of adolescents, and we know just how challenging that can be.

Despite our own feelings of inadequacy, we can help parents make the transition from raising the innocent younger child to guiding the testy teen into adulthood. A failure to make that transition in parenting style can contribute greatly to a suboptimal outcome.

But your guidance needs to start early. When a parent comes into the office demanding that you administer a drug test or a pregnancy test, you have probably missed the window for effective action. The horse is well out of the barn.

The time to start is earlier—much earlier. All of parenting involves the balancing act between supporting dependency and promoting independence. When people first become parents, they are consumed with accepting the huge dependency of their baby. As the child gets older, parents must allow the child more independence for things to go smoothly.

But adolescence is a time when that balancing act requires truly skilled acrobatics. Teens and their parents need to negotiate the “Four I's” of adolescent development: Initiative, Individuation, Independence, and Intimacy.

Adolescents clearly need to take the initiative in their activities, including when they do their chores and how they manage homework. If parents get in the way and try to structure all of that, they're going to get a lot of pushback.

In terms of individuation—discovering who they are—teenagers are highly sensitive to the standards of peers. They're more interested in what their peers think they should do than what their parents think they should do. On one level, this includes how many ear piercings they have and how they dress. But on a broader level, they need to think their parents are wrong about most things in order to feel “like their own person.” Offering an opinion can be beneficial in giving the adolescent something to counter, but ideally save consequences for more substantial failings. In terms of independence, teenagers are better educated by learning from the consequences of their own actions when those actions are not harmful to their futures.

And in terms of intimacy, teens want and need privacy for their budding relationships. Parents need to learn how to be available to talk about relationships, but not ask too many questions.

Different teens move through these changes at different times. And on top of that, the transition may not always go in one direction. A teen may want to be very independent in choosing her clothes. But the same teen may want a lot of parental help on getting her homework done and on handling peer situations. That's part of what makes parenting adolescents so difficult.

Parents need to gradually release control and let their teens exert more independence. But the key word in that sentence is “gradually,” and parents need to be alert for signs that the child is not ready or has not yet earned that freedom.

Let's say the parents have allowed their 13-year-old to have a cell phone. Let's say that a few weeks later, the child hurls the phone against the wall in anger, shattering it beyond repair. Some parents might be tempted to say: “That's it. I'm not buying you another cell phone until you're in college,” but that is unlikely to be the most educational solution. The time frame should be measured in days or weeks, not in months or years. If consequences are too severe, kids tend to write their parents off completely and feel they have been written off.

Instead, the parents should give the teen a clear path to re-earning the privilege, negotiating the terms. Maybe he has to contribute 80% of his allowance and do some extra chores until the phone is paid for. Showing that they're reasonable and willing to negotiate is a model of adult behavior, and it's also their key to success.

The older the child, the more important it is to negotiate what the rules are to be, and also what exceptions there might be. It's fine if there's a general rule that they can't stay out after 11 o'clock. But if a special event comes along that starts at 10 o'clock and won't end until 2 a.m., it's best to be flexible about the curfew this one time. When teens and parents negotiate one-time exceptions as needed, there is structure but rebellion or sneaking is not brought out.

Negotiation is important. A 30-year longitudinal study from the University of California, Berkeley, demonstrated that parents who managed to negotiate the rules with their children had more harmonious relationships with them later (New Dir. Child Adolesc. Dev. 2005;108:61–9). Often a dynamic arises in families where the parents are so generally annoyed with their teen that they reflexively answer, “No!” to any request. That can be really counterproductive when it comes to parenting adolescents. The first response should be: “Yes, if at all possible. Let's talk about it.”

I recommend that parents explicitly discuss the request using the following six points in deciding with the adolescent on their request. Posting these on the refrigerator and making discussing them a routine lets the teen know they are being taken seriously, slows the reflex to say “no,” and may help install them as a mantra in the teen's brain for future decision making:

Six Guides for Decision Making

1. Is it safe?

2. Is it legal?

3. Does it conflict with responsibilities?

4. Does it meet a developmental need?

5. Does it interfere with others?

6. Could it harm his/her development?

Anyone who's read “The Catcher in the Rye” (New York: Little, Brown and Co., 1951) by J.D. Salinger knows that teenagers are especially sensitive to hypocrisy. Parents often talk about the importance of being a moral person, but the teen is aware that they're cheating on their income taxes. They will reject their parents' moral code if they see them being hypocritical.

Clearly, the best way for the parent to encourage their offspring to uphold good moral standards is to actually live those standards 24/7. But almost everyone fails to live up to those standards from time to time, and if they're parents of an adolescent, the teen is sure to be right there when they do. Adolescents appreciate and learn from honesty when that happens. The parent could admit, “Yes, I know I said that you should never curse another driver, but I was so angry that I forgot my own rule.”

In these days of one- and two-child families, where parents often depend on their own children for friendship and companionship, it can be especially devastating to hear a teen say: “I hate you. You're the worst parents ever.” When that happens—and it's almost certain to happen, since it's the rare child who never utters such a sentiment—the parent's best response is not to rise to the bait of an angry teenager. They don't really mean it. And if the parent shows too much visible distress, or starts to punish them for saying those things, there won't be as much opportunity to recover. A simple “I am sorry you feel that way right now. I can see that you are really angry about [my decision, your curfew, what I said].”

And when the teen notices that the parent has not reacted to such provocation, that in itself is a valuable life lesson. The next time a street tough tosses off an insult, he'll be more likely to simply shrug his shoulders and walk away. For additional information on dealing with adolescents, the American Academy of Pediatrics maintains a particularly good collection of resources for parents at www.healthychildren.org

[email protected]

Stress is nothing new to American families, who—over the generations—have endured wars, epidemics, natural disasters, and numerous economic downturns.

Today's dismal economic climate with continuing unemployment poses real challenges for families.

You should be especially attuned to warning signs that more children in your practice may be at risk for hunger, displacement from their homes and schools, and poverty-associated trauma, both physical and psychological.

The statistics are sobering.

In June 2010, unemployment stood at 14.6 million people, or 9.5% of the working-age population nationwide. Even more people are jobless in some unfortunate states and cities—more than 14% in Nevada, for instance; 14.5% in Las Vegas, Nev.; and 27.6% in tiny El Centro, Calif.

Homelessness among American families is growing, with 170,000 families seeking shelter in 2009, up from 159,000 the year before, according to the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development.

Every 3 months, another 250,000 families' homes enter foreclosure, putting one child in every classroom at risk of losing his or her home, according to the Mortgage Bankers Association. That statistic is so stunning—home foreclosures impacting one child in every classroom—that it bears repeating as it indicates every pediatric practice has more red flags in terms of psychosocial stressors then at any time in most pediatrician's career.

Families, as always, face crises unrelated to the economy as well: illness, marital discord, substance abuse, and intergenerational pressures, but economic downturns increase the prevalence of almost all of the crises on this list.

Poverty is the elephant in the room, exposing children to a host of contributors to an unstable environment that sets the stage for poor academic performance, increased mental health disorders, conduct problems, substance abuse, and difficulties in relationships.

The first red flag raised by a family in economic trouble probably isn't even seen in the examining room, but in your billing department, where reimbursements are likely down and delinquent accounts are likely up.

A family may be unable to produce a copay for a visit, or may have lost health insurance along with mom or dad's job. They may report multiple changes in their address. Mail from your office may be returned as undeliverable.

This is, of course, an economic problem for you and your practice, but it likely heralds medical and psychosocial problems as well. A child whose family cannot pay for your services may be twice as likely as a financially secure child to have depression, anxiety, and learning problems at school.

Your office staff may want to alert you to financial red flags not only as they appear on the office balance sheet, but as they relate to your care of the child as well.

Moving, for example, has many implications for a child's development and well-being.

A new address may mean changes in a child's school and after-school activities, the loss of friends and close access to extended family members, and a shattering of the security of familiar places and routines. If the move was involuntary, say, a forced exit from a foreclosed home, parents may be so distracted and emotionally spent, they may not have devoted time to calmly explaining to the child what will change and what will stay the same.

I always think it's a good idea, but especially so in hard times, for you to ask one screening question of every family during routine office visits.

That bushel basket question is, “Are there any ongoing tensions affecting the family?”

Answers can potentially cover a lot of ground, and may open the door to a family sharing financial concerns, as well as any other issues that may be troubling them: a recent move, concern about a family member, or signs of domestic strife.

Red flags may appear during your examination as well. Immunizations may not be up to date, problems are suddenly arising at school, or a there may be a change in trajectory of the child's weight curve due to a lack of nutritious food.

Fatigue and stress associated with family troubles may be cloaked in somatic diagnoses: headaches, stomachaches, chest pain, weakness, or dizziness in a child who never had such complaints before or where these symptoms previously have signaled stress.

Take a good look at the parent accompanying your patient as well. Does the mother or father seem more withdrawn, sadder, or more anxious than expected?

Often, you have an internal red flag, a vaguely unsettled feeling that something is not right. Do not underestimate the value of this clinical sixth sense. Listen to it. It may not be anything specific that you can put your finger on or diagnose, but if you're getting that signal from within, sit down and take the pulse of the family in these troubling times.

[email protected]

Stress is nothing new to American families, who—over the generations—have endured wars, epidemics, natural disasters, and numerous economic downturns.

Today's dismal economic climate with continuing unemployment poses real challenges for families.

You should be especially attuned to warning signs that more children in your practice may be at risk for hunger, displacement from their homes and schools, and poverty-associated trauma, both physical and psychological.

The statistics are sobering.

In June 2010, unemployment stood at 14.6 million people, or 9.5% of the working-age population nationwide. Even more people are jobless in some unfortunate states and cities—more than 14% in Nevada, for instance; 14.5% in Las Vegas, Nev.; and 27.6% in tiny El Centro, Calif.

Homelessness among American families is growing, with 170,000 families seeking shelter in 2009, up from 159,000 the year before, according to the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development.

Every 3 months, another 250,000 families' homes enter foreclosure, putting one child in every classroom at risk of losing his or her home, according to the Mortgage Bankers Association. That statistic is so stunning—home foreclosures impacting one child in every classroom—that it bears repeating as it indicates every pediatric practice has more red flags in terms of psychosocial stressors then at any time in most pediatrician's career.

Families, as always, face crises unrelated to the economy as well: illness, marital discord, substance abuse, and intergenerational pressures, but economic downturns increase the prevalence of almost all of the crises on this list.

Poverty is the elephant in the room, exposing children to a host of contributors to an unstable environment that sets the stage for poor academic performance, increased mental health disorders, conduct problems, substance abuse, and difficulties in relationships.

The first red flag raised by a family in economic trouble probably isn't even seen in the examining room, but in your billing department, where reimbursements are likely down and delinquent accounts are likely up.

A family may be unable to produce a copay for a visit, or may have lost health insurance along with mom or dad's job. They may report multiple changes in their address. Mail from your office may be returned as undeliverable.

This is, of course, an economic problem for you and your practice, but it likely heralds medical and psychosocial problems as well. A child whose family cannot pay for your services may be twice as likely as a financially secure child to have depression, anxiety, and learning problems at school.

Your office staff may want to alert you to financial red flags not only as they appear on the office balance sheet, but as they relate to your care of the child as well.

Moving, for example, has many implications for a child's development and well-being.

A new address may mean changes in a child's school and after-school activities, the loss of friends and close access to extended family members, and a shattering of the security of familiar places and routines. If the move was involuntary, say, a forced exit from a foreclosed home, parents may be so distracted and emotionally spent, they may not have devoted time to calmly explaining to the child what will change and what will stay the same.

I always think it's a good idea, but especially so in hard times, for you to ask one screening question of every family during routine office visits.

That bushel basket question is, “Are there any ongoing tensions affecting the family?”

Answers can potentially cover a lot of ground, and may open the door to a family sharing financial concerns, as well as any other issues that may be troubling them: a recent move, concern about a family member, or signs of domestic strife.

Red flags may appear during your examination as well. Immunizations may not be up to date, problems are suddenly arising at school, or a there may be a change in trajectory of the child's weight curve due to a lack of nutritious food.

Fatigue and stress associated with family troubles may be cloaked in somatic diagnoses: headaches, stomachaches, chest pain, weakness, or dizziness in a child who never had such complaints before or where these symptoms previously have signaled stress.

Take a good look at the parent accompanying your patient as well. Does the mother or father seem more withdrawn, sadder, or more anxious than expected?

Often, you have an internal red flag, a vaguely unsettled feeling that something is not right. Do not underestimate the value of this clinical sixth sense. Listen to it. It may not be anything specific that you can put your finger on or diagnose, but if you're getting that signal from within, sit down and take the pulse of the family in these troubling times.

[email protected]

Stress is nothing new to American families, who—over the generations—have endured wars, epidemics, natural disasters, and numerous economic downturns.

Today's dismal economic climate with continuing unemployment poses real challenges for families.

You should be especially attuned to warning signs that more children in your practice may be at risk for hunger, displacement from their homes and schools, and poverty-associated trauma, both physical and psychological.

The statistics are sobering.

In June 2010, unemployment stood at 14.6 million people, or 9.5% of the working-age population nationwide. Even more people are jobless in some unfortunate states and cities—more than 14% in Nevada, for instance; 14.5% in Las Vegas, Nev.; and 27.6% in tiny El Centro, Calif.

Homelessness among American families is growing, with 170,000 families seeking shelter in 2009, up from 159,000 the year before, according to the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development.

Every 3 months, another 250,000 families' homes enter foreclosure, putting one child in every classroom at risk of losing his or her home, according to the Mortgage Bankers Association. That statistic is so stunning—home foreclosures impacting one child in every classroom—that it bears repeating as it indicates every pediatric practice has more red flags in terms of psychosocial stressors then at any time in most pediatrician's career.

Families, as always, face crises unrelated to the economy as well: illness, marital discord, substance abuse, and intergenerational pressures, but economic downturns increase the prevalence of almost all of the crises on this list.

Poverty is the elephant in the room, exposing children to a host of contributors to an unstable environment that sets the stage for poor academic performance, increased mental health disorders, conduct problems, substance abuse, and difficulties in relationships.

The first red flag raised by a family in economic trouble probably isn't even seen in the examining room, but in your billing department, where reimbursements are likely down and delinquent accounts are likely up.

A family may be unable to produce a copay for a visit, or may have lost health insurance along with mom or dad's job. They may report multiple changes in their address. Mail from your office may be returned as undeliverable.

This is, of course, an economic problem for you and your practice, but it likely heralds medical and psychosocial problems as well. A child whose family cannot pay for your services may be twice as likely as a financially secure child to have depression, anxiety, and learning problems at school.

Your office staff may want to alert you to financial red flags not only as they appear on the office balance sheet, but as they relate to your care of the child as well.

Moving, for example, has many implications for a child's development and well-being.

A new address may mean changes in a child's school and after-school activities, the loss of friends and close access to extended family members, and a shattering of the security of familiar places and routines. If the move was involuntary, say, a forced exit from a foreclosed home, parents may be so distracted and emotionally spent, they may not have devoted time to calmly explaining to the child what will change and what will stay the same.

I always think it's a good idea, but especially so in hard times, for you to ask one screening question of every family during routine office visits.

That bushel basket question is, “Are there any ongoing tensions affecting the family?”

Answers can potentially cover a lot of ground, and may open the door to a family sharing financial concerns, as well as any other issues that may be troubling them: a recent move, concern about a family member, or signs of domestic strife.

Red flags may appear during your examination as well. Immunizations may not be up to date, problems are suddenly arising at school, or a there may be a change in trajectory of the child's weight curve due to a lack of nutritious food.

Fatigue and stress associated with family troubles may be cloaked in somatic diagnoses: headaches, stomachaches, chest pain, weakness, or dizziness in a child who never had such complaints before or where these symptoms previously have signaled stress.

Take a good look at the parent accompanying your patient as well. Does the mother or father seem more withdrawn, sadder, or more anxious than expected?

Often, you have an internal red flag, a vaguely unsettled feeling that something is not right. Do not underestimate the value of this clinical sixth sense. Listen to it. It may not be anything specific that you can put your finger on or diagnose, but if you're getting that signal from within, sit down and take the pulse of the family in these troubling times.

www.CHADIS.com[email protected]

From Cane and Abel to Linus and Lucy, Wally and the Beaver to Bart and Lisa Simpson, sibling rivalry is the stuff of legend and comedy. But when it presents as a source of serious concern for parents during pediatric office visits, it's usually no laughing matter for them.

Research suggests that 64% of school-age siblings fight “sometimes or often”—a figure likely matched in magnitude if not muscle by younger siblings as well.

Sibling rivalry is so common, in fact, that we may tend to think back to our own sibling spats, or those of our kids, roll our eyes and offer the “they'll grow out of it” platitude.

But in truth, sibling wars can have consequences. While injuries are rare in most sibling disputes, in 25% of child abuse cases a sibling has been involved in victimization (usually in concert with adults).

Serious sibling conflict tremendously compromises quality of life for children, and for their parents as well. We know that marriages suffer in households with high levels of sibling discord, with the issue a common flashpoint for disagreements between parents about how to respond. Children exposed to serious sibling conflict in middle childhood appear to suffer higher levels of anxiety, depression, and delinquent behavior in early adolescence. Down the road, people carry the grudges of sibling difficulties for decades, undermining bonds that might otherwise be a significant source of support in our increasingly fragmented society.

So sibling struggles are worthy of our time and thoughtfulness, and addressing them productively will build trust in your relationship with parents and perhaps bring some semblance of peace to their households.

The first response to a parent's frustration over sibling quarrels should be to listen with respect. Their pain is often significant as they describe the battles unfolding among children they hold precious. Patiently listening to the details of sibling encounters also can help you sort out whether the issues they're describing fall into the normal range or may signify more serious individual or relational issues that deserve attention.

Assuming it's the former, I think it helps to remind parents of how common sibling rivalry is, and more importantly, why it occurs. Annoying as they may be, fracases actually serve a number of important biological functions. Watch any nature documentary featuring lions lounging under a tree on the savannah, and what are the cubs doing? Attacking, defending, tumbling, and biting, growling all the while.

In kids, like cubs, important social skills arise from the sibling relationship, even when the dust flies. Siblings teach each other to giggle and laugh, bait and switch, sneak and chase, parry and defend. From each other, they learn which jokes fly and which land with a thud, how to toss out an insult and absorb one tossed their way.

Siblings also learn how to pull their punches, practicing evolutionarily useful conflict skills while stopping short of inflicting serious harm.

The question remains, how does a family foster productive resilience-building sibling interactions while preserving affectionate connections and at least a modicum of household calm?

Like so many things in life, household chaos is associated with unhealthy levels of sibling conflict, according to research by psychologist Judy Dunn, the author of “Sisters and Brothers” (Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1985), “Separate Lives: Why Siblings Are So Different” (New York: Basic Books, 1992), and “From One Child to Two” (New York: Ballantine Books, 1995).

Corporal punishment in the family makes rivalry worse as well.

Individual temperaments, the presence of a child with special needs, and family structure (children of opposite sexes) also have been found to play roles in sibling relationships, but spacing of children makes less of a difference than most people think. In general, children spaced more than 4 years apart have less conflict, but they also spend less time together and have less of an integrated relationship than closely spaced siblings do.

When looking at underlying dynamics, research points to the perception of favoritism by the parents as the main contributing factor. Importantly, the children's impressions of favoritism are not always accurate, but they are such an important driver of sibling conflict that they deserve consideration.

I suggest to parents that they make a special effort to provide roughly equal “alone” time with each child. When one child's needs really do require inordinate attention—as in the case of homework time for a child with learning disabilities—they need to be up front about that reality, and say, “If you need something special, I will be there for you, too.” Remind the child who feels slighted about exceptional times when all the focus was on them: during assembly of the science fair project, or when they learned to ride a bike, for example.

Acknowledge jealousy as a real and understandable emotion, but one that must be handled within limits and household rules.

Parents will do well to practice prevention with siblings, reinforcing cooperation in general and any specific examples of good deeds performed on behalf of each other with acknowledgment or even rewards if the rivalry is serious.

Advise parents to be sensitive to situations, like boredom, that lend themselves to sibling disputes, and to intervene with distractions. Promote cooperative projects and noncompetitive games: building a fort or puzzle, playing in the sprinkler, or making breakfast as a family, instead of games with winners and losers.

When board games are necessarily competitive, make it a practice to turn the board around every fourth move to minimize age-related inequities. Even out the teams in driveway basketball as well.

Once children are old enough to participate, family meetings are an excellent forum in which to air grievances. Again, ground rules apply; everyone gets to be heard. No interrupting. Solutions can be brainstormed and tried out, to be reviewed at the next regularly scheduled session.

A stepwise approach to dealing with actual sibling disputes also helps bring order to the chaos that feeds sibling wars. Parents may want to read the popular if optimistically titled book by Adele Faber and Irene Mazlish, “Siblings Without Rivalry” (New York: HarperCollins Publishing, 2004).

Essentially, their basic plan is to teach parents to ignore whatever can be ignored, thus avoiding a self-feeding loop of inadvertent reinforcement of the conflicts.

Situations that are a bit too much to ignore should be handled dispassionately. The parent may want to ask, “Is this a real fight or a play fight?” If it's a play fight but noisy, they might want to suggest a new venue—in the basement or outdoors.

If it's a real fight, encourage parents to simply describe the situation they see. “It looks like you both want to play with the truck, and it's hard to decide how to work it out.” Follow this with an affirming statement like, “I'm sure you can figure out a solution.”

If things are even more volatile—maybe someone has hit or pinched—parents should intervene, but in an unbiased manner and with the least amount of punishment that makes sense. They need to emphasize that hitting is never acceptable, but not take sides. A useful mantra for parents: “Don't try to judge who started it. You can never tell.”

Depending on the situation, both children may need to be sent to a room away from the toy to make a plan for resolution. The toy may need to be put in time out. Both kids may need to be put in time out for the same amount of time, with duration based on the younger child's age. Each child may need to take on an individual chore card, or even chores requiring the effort of both kids.

Whatever the solution, it should be brief.

Counsel parents that rivalry is part of sibling interaction: a challenge best met through prevention, structured responses, and reliance on family rules.

Remind them of the fleeting nature of sibling spats—don't they hear the kids giggling 15 minutes later?—and the permanence of warm, mutually respectful, sibling bonds through a lifetime.

www.CHADIS.com[email protected]

From Cane and Abel to Linus and Lucy, Wally and the Beaver to Bart and Lisa Simpson, sibling rivalry is the stuff of legend and comedy. But when it presents as a source of serious concern for parents during pediatric office visits, it's usually no laughing matter for them.

Research suggests that 64% of school-age siblings fight “sometimes or often”—a figure likely matched in magnitude if not muscle by younger siblings as well.

Sibling rivalry is so common, in fact, that we may tend to think back to our own sibling spats, or those of our kids, roll our eyes and offer the “they'll grow out of it” platitude.

But in truth, sibling wars can have consequences. While injuries are rare in most sibling disputes, in 25% of child abuse cases a sibling has been involved in victimization (usually in concert with adults).

Serious sibling conflict tremendously compromises quality of life for children, and for their parents as well. We know that marriages suffer in households with high levels of sibling discord, with the issue a common flashpoint for disagreements between parents about how to respond. Children exposed to serious sibling conflict in middle childhood appear to suffer higher levels of anxiety, depression, and delinquent behavior in early adolescence. Down the road, people carry the grudges of sibling difficulties for decades, undermining bonds that might otherwise be a significant source of support in our increasingly fragmented society.

So sibling struggles are worthy of our time and thoughtfulness, and addressing them productively will build trust in your relationship with parents and perhaps bring some semblance of peace to their households.

The first response to a parent's frustration over sibling quarrels should be to listen with respect. Their pain is often significant as they describe the battles unfolding among children they hold precious. Patiently listening to the details of sibling encounters also can help you sort out whether the issues they're describing fall into the normal range or may signify more serious individual or relational issues that deserve attention.

Assuming it's the former, I think it helps to remind parents of how common sibling rivalry is, and more importantly, why it occurs. Annoying as they may be, fracases actually serve a number of important biological functions. Watch any nature documentary featuring lions lounging under a tree on the savannah, and what are the cubs doing? Attacking, defending, tumbling, and biting, growling all the while.

In kids, like cubs, important social skills arise from the sibling relationship, even when the dust flies. Siblings teach each other to giggle and laugh, bait and switch, sneak and chase, parry and defend. From each other, they learn which jokes fly and which land with a thud, how to toss out an insult and absorb one tossed their way.

Siblings also learn how to pull their punches, practicing evolutionarily useful conflict skills while stopping short of inflicting serious harm.

The question remains, how does a family foster productive resilience-building sibling interactions while preserving affectionate connections and at least a modicum of household calm?

Like so many things in life, household chaos is associated with unhealthy levels of sibling conflict, according to research by psychologist Judy Dunn, the author of “Sisters and Brothers” (Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1985), “Separate Lives: Why Siblings Are So Different” (New York: Basic Books, 1992), and “From One Child to Two” (New York: Ballantine Books, 1995).

Corporal punishment in the family makes rivalry worse as well.

Individual temperaments, the presence of a child with special needs, and family structure (children of opposite sexes) also have been found to play roles in sibling relationships, but spacing of children makes less of a difference than most people think. In general, children spaced more than 4 years apart have less conflict, but they also spend less time together and have less of an integrated relationship than closely spaced siblings do.

When looking at underlying dynamics, research points to the perception of favoritism by the parents as the main contributing factor. Importantly, the children's impressions of favoritism are not always accurate, but they are such an important driver of sibling conflict that they deserve consideration.

I suggest to parents that they make a special effort to provide roughly equal “alone” time with each child. When one child's needs really do require inordinate attention—as in the case of homework time for a child with learning disabilities—they need to be up front about that reality, and say, “If you need something special, I will be there for you, too.” Remind the child who feels slighted about exceptional times when all the focus was on them: during assembly of the science fair project, or when they learned to ride a bike, for example.

Acknowledge jealousy as a real and understandable emotion, but one that must be handled within limits and household rules.

Parents will do well to practice prevention with siblings, reinforcing cooperation in general and any specific examples of good deeds performed on behalf of each other with acknowledgment or even rewards if the rivalry is serious.

Advise parents to be sensitive to situations, like boredom, that lend themselves to sibling disputes, and to intervene with distractions. Promote cooperative projects and noncompetitive games: building a fort or puzzle, playing in the sprinkler, or making breakfast as a family, instead of games with winners and losers.

When board games are necessarily competitive, make it a practice to turn the board around every fourth move to minimize age-related inequities. Even out the teams in driveway basketball as well.

Once children are old enough to participate, family meetings are an excellent forum in which to air grievances. Again, ground rules apply; everyone gets to be heard. No interrupting. Solutions can be brainstormed and tried out, to be reviewed at the next regularly scheduled session.

A stepwise approach to dealing with actual sibling disputes also helps bring order to the chaos that feeds sibling wars. Parents may want to read the popular if optimistically titled book by Adele Faber and Irene Mazlish, “Siblings Without Rivalry” (New York: HarperCollins Publishing, 2004).

Essentially, their basic plan is to teach parents to ignore whatever can be ignored, thus avoiding a self-feeding loop of inadvertent reinforcement of the conflicts.

Situations that are a bit too much to ignore should be handled dispassionately. The parent may want to ask, “Is this a real fight or a play fight?” If it's a play fight but noisy, they might want to suggest a new venue—in the basement or outdoors.

If it's a real fight, encourage parents to simply describe the situation they see. “It looks like you both want to play with the truck, and it's hard to decide how to work it out.” Follow this with an affirming statement like, “I'm sure you can figure out a solution.”

If things are even more volatile—maybe someone has hit or pinched—parents should intervene, but in an unbiased manner and with the least amount of punishment that makes sense. They need to emphasize that hitting is never acceptable, but not take sides. A useful mantra for parents: “Don't try to judge who started it. You can never tell.”

Depending on the situation, both children may need to be sent to a room away from the toy to make a plan for resolution. The toy may need to be put in time out. Both kids may need to be put in time out for the same amount of time, with duration based on the younger child's age. Each child may need to take on an individual chore card, or even chores requiring the effort of both kids.

Whatever the solution, it should be brief.

Counsel parents that rivalry is part of sibling interaction: a challenge best met through prevention, structured responses, and reliance on family rules.

Remind them of the fleeting nature of sibling spats—don't they hear the kids giggling 15 minutes later?—and the permanence of warm, mutually respectful, sibling bonds through a lifetime.

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From Cane and Abel to Linus and Lucy, Wally and the Beaver to Bart and Lisa Simpson, sibling rivalry is the stuff of legend and comedy. But when it presents as a source of serious concern for parents during pediatric office visits, it's usually no laughing matter for them.

Research suggests that 64% of school-age siblings fight “sometimes or often”—a figure likely matched in magnitude if not muscle by younger siblings as well.

Sibling rivalry is so common, in fact, that we may tend to think back to our own sibling spats, or those of our kids, roll our eyes and offer the “they'll grow out of it” platitude.

But in truth, sibling wars can have consequences. While injuries are rare in most sibling disputes, in 25% of child abuse cases a sibling has been involved in victimization (usually in concert with adults).

Serious sibling conflict tremendously compromises quality of life for children, and for their parents as well. We know that marriages suffer in households with high levels of sibling discord, with the issue a common flashpoint for disagreements between parents about how to respond. Children exposed to serious sibling conflict in middle childhood appear to suffer higher levels of anxiety, depression, and delinquent behavior in early adolescence. Down the road, people carry the grudges of sibling difficulties for decades, undermining bonds that might otherwise be a significant source of support in our increasingly fragmented society.

So sibling struggles are worthy of our time and thoughtfulness, and addressing them productively will build trust in your relationship with parents and perhaps bring some semblance of peace to their households.

The first response to a parent's frustration over sibling quarrels should be to listen with respect. Their pain is often significant as they describe the battles unfolding among children they hold precious. Patiently listening to the details of sibling encounters also can help you sort out whether the issues they're describing fall into the normal range or may signify more serious individual or relational issues that deserve attention.

Assuming it's the former, I think it helps to remind parents of how common sibling rivalry is, and more importantly, why it occurs. Annoying as they may be, fracases actually serve a number of important biological functions. Watch any nature documentary featuring lions lounging under a tree on the savannah, and what are the cubs doing? Attacking, defending, tumbling, and biting, growling all the while.

In kids, like cubs, important social skills arise from the sibling relationship, even when the dust flies. Siblings teach each other to giggle and laugh, bait and switch, sneak and chase, parry and defend. From each other, they learn which jokes fly and which land with a thud, how to toss out an insult and absorb one tossed their way.

Siblings also learn how to pull their punches, practicing evolutionarily useful conflict skills while stopping short of inflicting serious harm.

The question remains, how does a family foster productive resilience-building sibling interactions while preserving affectionate connections and at least a modicum of household calm?

Like so many things in life, household chaos is associated with unhealthy levels of sibling conflict, according to research by psychologist Judy Dunn, the author of “Sisters and Brothers” (Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1985), “Separate Lives: Why Siblings Are So Different” (New York: Basic Books, 1992), and “From One Child to Two” (New York: Ballantine Books, 1995).

Corporal punishment in the family makes rivalry worse as well.

Individual temperaments, the presence of a child with special needs, and family structure (children of opposite sexes) also have been found to play roles in sibling relationships, but spacing of children makes less of a difference than most people think. In general, children spaced more than 4 years apart have less conflict, but they also spend less time together and have less of an integrated relationship than closely spaced siblings do.

When looking at underlying dynamics, research points to the perception of favoritism by the parents as the main contributing factor. Importantly, the children's impressions of favoritism are not always accurate, but they are such an important driver of sibling conflict that they deserve consideration.

I suggest to parents that they make a special effort to provide roughly equal “alone” time with each child. When one child's needs really do require inordinate attention—as in the case of homework time for a child with learning disabilities—they need to be up front about that reality, and say, “If you need something special, I will be there for you, too.” Remind the child who feels slighted about exceptional times when all the focus was on them: during assembly of the science fair project, or when they learned to ride a bike, for example.

Acknowledge jealousy as a real and understandable emotion, but one that must be handled within limits and household rules.

Parents will do well to practice prevention with siblings, reinforcing cooperation in general and any specific examples of good deeds performed on behalf of each other with acknowledgment or even rewards if the rivalry is serious.

Advise parents to be sensitive to situations, like boredom, that lend themselves to sibling disputes, and to intervene with distractions. Promote cooperative projects and noncompetitive games: building a fort or puzzle, playing in the sprinkler, or making breakfast as a family, instead of games with winners and losers.

When board games are necessarily competitive, make it a practice to turn the board around every fourth move to minimize age-related inequities. Even out the teams in driveway basketball as well.

Once children are old enough to participate, family meetings are an excellent forum in which to air grievances. Again, ground rules apply; everyone gets to be heard. No interrupting. Solutions can be brainstormed and tried out, to be reviewed at the next regularly scheduled session.

A stepwise approach to dealing with actual sibling disputes also helps bring order to the chaos that feeds sibling wars. Parents may want to read the popular if optimistically titled book by Adele Faber and Irene Mazlish, “Siblings Without Rivalry” (New York: HarperCollins Publishing, 2004).

Essentially, their basic plan is to teach parents to ignore whatever can be ignored, thus avoiding a self-feeding loop of inadvertent reinforcement of the conflicts.

Situations that are a bit too much to ignore should be handled dispassionately. The parent may want to ask, “Is this a real fight or a play fight?” If it's a play fight but noisy, they might want to suggest a new venue—in the basement or outdoors.

If it's a real fight, encourage parents to simply describe the situation they see. “It looks like you both want to play with the truck, and it's hard to decide how to work it out.” Follow this with an affirming statement like, “I'm sure you can figure out a solution.”

If things are even more volatile—maybe someone has hit or pinched—parents should intervene, but in an unbiased manner and with the least amount of punishment that makes sense. They need to emphasize that hitting is never acceptable, but not take sides. A useful mantra for parents: “Don't try to judge who started it. You can never tell.”

Depending on the situation, both children may need to be sent to a room away from the toy to make a plan for resolution. The toy may need to be put in time out. Both kids may need to be put in time out for the same amount of time, with duration based on the younger child's age. Each child may need to take on an individual chore card, or even chores requiring the effort of both kids.

Whatever the solution, it should be brief.

Counsel parents that rivalry is part of sibling interaction: a challenge best met through prevention, structured responses, and reliance on family rules.

Remind them of the fleeting nature of sibling spats—don't they hear the kids giggling 15 minutes later?—and the permanence of warm, mutually respectful, sibling bonds through a lifetime.