Family meals

It’s a “Little House on the Prairie” tableau. The whole family is seated around the dinner table enjoying locally grown food that includes an abundance of fruit and vegetables. Animated conversation flows easily around the table, with every family member sharing his or her experiences and opinions. The younger children sit patiently waiting their turn to contribute.

It’s a scenario we all would like to emulate in our own homes because we instinctively assume that a family that dines together produces happy and well-adjusted children. We and many other parents have heard about the studies that suggest children in families that eat together do better in school and are less likely to smoke and drink, become depressed, or develop an eating disorder. And we probably recommend family meals to the families in our practices. The information has become so widely disseminated that family meals have become a gold standard against which parents measure themselves.

But one doesn’t have to scratch the surface too deeply to discover that dining together isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Other studies that have controlled for a few more variables have shown that family dining is just one of several markers that can identify a well-functioning family. Although a family may eat together only infrequently, if they share other activities together the outcomes for their children are similar to those of families that dine together regularly.

However, the “Little House on the Prairie” image is so indelibly etched into our society’s consciousness that parents (particularly mothers) feel guilty if they can’t have everyone in the family sitting at the dinner table eating a healthy meal, preferably one they have cooked themselves from scratch. A recent ethnographic study by a team of sociologists at North Carolina State University, Raleigh, suggests that attempts by families to have meals together creates enough stress and tension to threaten the alleged benefits the parents had hoped for (“The Joy of Cooking?”, Sarah Bowen, Sinikka Elliot, and Joslyn Brenton, Contexts, Summer 2014, Vol. 13, No. 3, 20-25). The investigators visited 12 working class and poor families and observed their meals. They also interviewed 150 mothers from other families representing a broad range of socioeconomic categories.

The economically challenged mothers felt that cooking healthy meals at home required more time and money than they could afford. Across the board, mothers from all economic strata complained that planning and preparing healthy meals for the family were stressful, particularly when what they had prepared was rejected by some of those at the table. The investigators reported, “We rarely observed a meal in which at least one family member didn’t complain about the food they were served.” It’s not surprising, without immediate positive feedback, that mothers may struggle to see any long-term value.

While eating dinner together may be only one of the markers of a functional family and in spite of this evidence that it can be stressful, it is still an activity worth promoting. However, it must be recast in a more realistic light. Pediatricians can play a role in this transformation from stressful to achievable.

First, we must make it clear that we don’t expect families to eat every evening meal together. Some is better than none. For some families, a big Sunday breakfast may be all that they can work out. Second, we must counter the easy-as-pie attitude pervasive in magazines than anyone should be able to make quick, easy, and healthy meals at home. Again, one bag of chips isn’t going to trash an otherwise reasonably healthy meal. It’s a skill we should have learned as we attempted to ease the minds of the unfortunate women who couldn’t meet the American Academy of Pediatrics’ guidelines of only breast milk for the first 6 months.

Finally, we must help parents learn how to prevent and cope with picky eating. If properly managed, the initial rejection of green beans by a 6-month-old need not be the first step in a downward spiral of “he-won’t-eat-it-so-I-won’t-serve-it.” We must help parents learn to be comfortable with watching their children not eat. And this means helping mothers accept the transition from being a feeder to being merely a presenter of food. It also may mean encouraging parents to adopt a policy that says anyone complaining about what is being served is banished from the room until the meal is over. Initially, this may create a few more stressful meals, but eventually it will result in meals that have become family-building shared experiences.

Dr. Wilkoff practiced primary care pediatrics in Brunswick, Maine, for nearly 40 years. He has authored several books on behavioral pediatrics, including “Coping with a Picky Eater.” E-mail him at [email protected].

It’s a “Little House on the Prairie” tableau. The whole family is seated around the dinner table enjoying locally grown food that includes an abundance of fruit and vegetables. Animated conversation flows easily around the table, with every family member sharing his or her experiences and opinions. The younger children sit patiently waiting their turn to contribute.

It’s a scenario we all would like to emulate in our own homes because we instinctively assume that a family that dines together produces happy and well-adjusted children. We and many other parents have heard about the studies that suggest children in families that eat together do better in school and are less likely to smoke and drink, become depressed, or develop an eating disorder. And we probably recommend family meals to the families in our practices. The information has become so widely disseminated that family meals have become a gold standard against which parents measure themselves.

But one doesn’t have to scratch the surface too deeply to discover that dining together isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Other studies that have controlled for a few more variables have shown that family dining is just one of several markers that can identify a well-functioning family. Although a family may eat together only infrequently, if they share other activities together the outcomes for their children are similar to those of families that dine together regularly.

However, the “Little House on the Prairie” image is so indelibly etched into our society’s consciousness that parents (particularly mothers) feel guilty if they can’t have everyone in the family sitting at the dinner table eating a healthy meal, preferably one they have cooked themselves from scratch. A recent ethnographic study by a team of sociologists at North Carolina State University, Raleigh, suggests that attempts by families to have meals together creates enough stress and tension to threaten the alleged benefits the parents had hoped for (“The Joy of Cooking?”, Sarah Bowen, Sinikka Elliot, and Joslyn Brenton, Contexts, Summer 2014, Vol. 13, No. 3, 20-25). The investigators visited 12 working class and poor families and observed their meals. They also interviewed 150 mothers from other families representing a broad range of socioeconomic categories.

The economically challenged mothers felt that cooking healthy meals at home required more time and money than they could afford. Across the board, mothers from all economic strata complained that planning and preparing healthy meals for the family were stressful, particularly when what they had prepared was rejected by some of those at the table. The investigators reported, “We rarely observed a meal in which at least one family member didn’t complain about the food they were served.” It’s not surprising, without immediate positive feedback, that mothers may struggle to see any long-term value.

While eating dinner together may be only one of the markers of a functional family and in spite of this evidence that it can be stressful, it is still an activity worth promoting. However, it must be recast in a more realistic light. Pediatricians can play a role in this transformation from stressful to achievable.

First, we must make it clear that we don’t expect families to eat every evening meal together. Some is better than none. For some families, a big Sunday breakfast may be all that they can work out. Second, we must counter the easy-as-pie attitude pervasive in magazines than anyone should be able to make quick, easy, and healthy meals at home. Again, one bag of chips isn’t going to trash an otherwise reasonably healthy meal. It’s a skill we should have learned as we attempted to ease the minds of the unfortunate women who couldn’t meet the American Academy of Pediatrics’ guidelines of only breast milk for the first 6 months.

Finally, we must help parents learn how to prevent and cope with picky eating. If properly managed, the initial rejection of green beans by a 6-month-old need not be the first step in a downward spiral of “he-won’t-eat-it-so-I-won’t-serve-it.” We must help parents learn to be comfortable with watching their children not eat. And this means helping mothers accept the transition from being a feeder to being merely a presenter of food. It also may mean encouraging parents to adopt a policy that says anyone complaining about what is being served is banished from the room until the meal is over. Initially, this may create a few more stressful meals, but eventually it will result in meals that have become family-building shared experiences.

Dr. Wilkoff practiced primary care pediatrics in Brunswick, Maine, for nearly 40 years. He has authored several books on behavioral pediatrics, including “Coping with a Picky Eater.” E-mail him at [email protected].

It’s a “Little House on the Prairie” tableau. The whole family is seated around the dinner table enjoying locally grown food that includes an abundance of fruit and vegetables. Animated conversation flows easily around the table, with every family member sharing his or her experiences and opinions. The younger children sit patiently waiting their turn to contribute.

It’s a scenario we all would like to emulate in our own homes because we instinctively assume that a family that dines together produces happy and well-adjusted children. We and many other parents have heard about the studies that suggest children in families that eat together do better in school and are less likely to smoke and drink, become depressed, or develop an eating disorder. And we probably recommend family meals to the families in our practices. The information has become so widely disseminated that family meals have become a gold standard against which parents measure themselves.

But one doesn’t have to scratch the surface too deeply to discover that dining together isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Other studies that have controlled for a few more variables have shown that family dining is just one of several markers that can identify a well-functioning family. Although a family may eat together only infrequently, if they share other activities together the outcomes for their children are similar to those of families that dine together regularly.

However, the “Little House on the Prairie” image is so indelibly etched into our society’s consciousness that parents (particularly mothers) feel guilty if they can’t have everyone in the family sitting at the dinner table eating a healthy meal, preferably one they have cooked themselves from scratch. A recent ethnographic study by a team of sociologists at North Carolina State University, Raleigh, suggests that attempts by families to have meals together creates enough stress and tension to threaten the alleged benefits the parents had hoped for (“The Joy of Cooking?”, Sarah Bowen, Sinikka Elliot, and Joslyn Brenton, Contexts, Summer 2014, Vol. 13, No. 3, 20-25). The investigators visited 12 working class and poor families and observed their meals. They also interviewed 150 mothers from other families representing a broad range of socioeconomic categories.

The economically challenged mothers felt that cooking healthy meals at home required more time and money than they could afford. Across the board, mothers from all economic strata complained that planning and preparing healthy meals for the family were stressful, particularly when what they had prepared was rejected by some of those at the table. The investigators reported, “We rarely observed a meal in which at least one family member didn’t complain about the food they were served.” It’s not surprising, without immediate positive feedback, that mothers may struggle to see any long-term value.

While eating dinner together may be only one of the markers of a functional family and in spite of this evidence that it can be stressful, it is still an activity worth promoting. However, it must be recast in a more realistic light. Pediatricians can play a role in this transformation from stressful to achievable.

First, we must make it clear that we don’t expect families to eat every evening meal together. Some is better than none. For some families, a big Sunday breakfast may be all that they can work out. Second, we must counter the easy-as-pie attitude pervasive in magazines than anyone should be able to make quick, easy, and healthy meals at home. Again, one bag of chips isn’t going to trash an otherwise reasonably healthy meal. It’s a skill we should have learned as we attempted to ease the minds of the unfortunate women who couldn’t meet the American Academy of Pediatrics’ guidelines of only breast milk for the first 6 months.

Finally, we must help parents learn how to prevent and cope with picky eating. If properly managed, the initial rejection of green beans by a 6-month-old need not be the first step in a downward spiral of “he-won’t-eat-it-so-I-won’t-serve-it.” We must help parents learn to be comfortable with watching their children not eat. And this means helping mothers accept the transition from being a feeder to being merely a presenter of food. It also may mean encouraging parents to adopt a policy that says anyone complaining about what is being served is banished from the room until the meal is over. Initially, this may create a few more stressful meals, but eventually it will result in meals that have become family-building shared experiences.

Dr. Wilkoff practiced primary care pediatrics in Brunswick, Maine, for nearly 40 years. He has authored several books on behavioral pediatrics, including “Coping with a Picky Eater.” E-mail him at [email protected].