Richard Franki

Government Gone Wild

If you're like us, and we know you are, you've been spending a lot of your waking hours wondering how the recent reorganization at the Food and Drug Administration's Office of Epidemiology—known inside the Beltway as “Animal House”—was going to turn out. Wonder no more. After an extended weekend “conference” (if you know what we mean) of drinking in the elixir of cooperation, dealing the cards of consensus, and sharing the naked truth of bureaucracy, the bleary-eyed and staggering survivors announced the results. The Division of Medication Error Prevention is now the Division of Medication Error Prevention and Analysis (new motto: “DMEPA Rocks!”), and the Division of Adverse Event Analysis I and II becomes the Division of Pharmacovigilance I and II. No wonder somebody called the cops.

The Speed of Drinking

Now, if there's one thing that the headbangers at the Division of Pharmacovigilance love more than pharmacovigilance, it's loud music. And now we know why: Loud music leads to faster drinking. French researchers visited bars on three Saturday nights and observed 40 men, aged 18-25 years, who ordered a draft beer. By previous arrangement with the bar owners, the investigators manipulated the volume of the music and discovered that louder music led to increased drinking in a shorter amount of time. In their report, scheduled to appear in the October issue of Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research, they offer two hypotheses: Loud music causes higher arousal, which leads to faster drinking—or loud music makes it hard to communicate, so people drink more and talk less. And, as any self-respecting epidemiologist will tell you, drinking more and talking less is what pharmacovigilance is all about.

The Ultimate Party Animal?

Drinking more and talking less does not seem to be a problem for the Malaysian pen-tailed tree shrew. These tiny mammals about the size of small rats are, according to a new study in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, the heaviest drinkers in the world. They live on the fermented nectar of the flower buds of the bertam palm, which can have an alcohol content of up to 3.8%. Investigators used radio collars to follow the shrews' movements and measured blood alcohol concentrations much higher than in humans with similar alcohol intake. “The amount of alcohol we're talking about is huge—it's several times the legal limit in most countries,” researcher Marc-André Lachance told LiveScience. Amazingly, the shrews showed no signs of intoxication, suggesting that any one of them could drink a pharmacovigilant epidemiologist under the table.

Tumors and Towels

And now, because Kmart does not have a monopoly on the blue-light special (or on pharmacovigilance), we present dental research from the Medical College of Georgia, Augusta. Investigators there have found that tumor growth was slowed by nearly 80% in mice exposed to the blue light used to harden dental fillings. Tissue analysis also showed that tumor cell apoptosis increased by 10% in mice receiving 90 seconds of daily blue-light treatment for 12 days. This is great news for cancer patients, to be sure, but it's not going to help those with one particular type of tumor—the kind that turns out to be a 25-year-old surgical towel. A patient at Asahi General Hospital in Chiba, Japan, was undergoing an operation to remove what was thought to be a 3.2-inch tumor, but the surgeons instead found the remnants of an operation performed in 1983 at the same hospital to treat an ulcer. The patient is not planning to sue, but a hospital spokesman shared this important information with Agence France-Presse: “The towel was greenish blue, although we are not sure about its original color.”

Where No Spa Has Gone Before

Finally, just when you thought that physical fitness was the goal in medicine, a new kind of fitness rolls into town. Actually, that would be “phit”ness. Phit (pelvic health integrated techniques) is the brainchild of Manhattan gynecologist Lauri J. Romanzi, who recently opened what is probably the world's first gyno spa. According to her Web site,

www.theperfectphit.com

Government Gone Wild

If you're like us, and we know you are, you've been spending a lot of your waking hours wondering how the recent reorganization at the Food and Drug Administration's Office of Epidemiology—known inside the Beltway as “Animal House”—was going to turn out. Wonder no more. After an extended weekend “conference” (if you know what we mean) of drinking in the elixir of cooperation, dealing the cards of consensus, and sharing the naked truth of bureaucracy, the bleary-eyed and staggering survivors announced the results. The Division of Medication Error Prevention is now the Division of Medication Error Prevention and Analysis (new motto: “DMEPA Rocks!”), and the Division of Adverse Event Analysis I and II becomes the Division of Pharmacovigilance I and II. No wonder somebody called the cops.

The Speed of Drinking

Now, if there's one thing that the headbangers at the Division of Pharmacovigilance love more than pharmacovigilance, it's loud music. And now we know why: Loud music leads to faster drinking. French researchers visited bars on three Saturday nights and observed 40 men, aged 18-25 years, who ordered a draft beer. By previous arrangement with the bar owners, the investigators manipulated the volume of the music and discovered that louder music led to increased drinking in a shorter amount of time. In their report, scheduled to appear in the October issue of Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research, they offer two hypotheses: Loud music causes higher arousal, which leads to faster drinking—or loud music makes it hard to communicate, so people drink more and talk less. And, as any self-respecting epidemiologist will tell you, drinking more and talking less is what pharmacovigilance is all about.

The Ultimate Party Animal?

Drinking more and talking less does not seem to be a problem for the Malaysian pen-tailed tree shrew. These tiny mammals about the size of small rats are, according to a new study in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, the heaviest drinkers in the world. They live on the fermented nectar of the flower buds of the bertam palm, which can have an alcohol content of up to 3.8%. Investigators used radio collars to follow the shrews' movements and measured blood alcohol concentrations much higher than in humans with similar alcohol intake. “The amount of alcohol we're talking about is huge—it's several times the legal limit in most countries,” researcher Marc-André Lachance told LiveScience. Amazingly, the shrews showed no signs of intoxication, suggesting that any one of them could drink a pharmacovigilant epidemiologist under the table.

Tumors and Towels

And now, because Kmart does not have a monopoly on the blue-light special (or on pharmacovigilance), we present dental research from the Medical College of Georgia, Augusta. Investigators there have found that tumor growth was slowed by nearly 80% in mice exposed to the blue light used to harden dental fillings. Tissue analysis also showed that tumor cell apoptosis increased by 10% in mice receiving 90 seconds of daily blue-light treatment for 12 days. This is great news for cancer patients, to be sure, but it's not going to help those with one particular type of tumor—the kind that turns out to be a 25-year-old surgical towel. A patient at Asahi General Hospital in Chiba, Japan, was undergoing an operation to remove what was thought to be a 3.2-inch tumor, but the surgeons instead found the remnants of an operation performed in 1983 at the same hospital to treat an ulcer. The patient is not planning to sue, but a hospital spokesman shared this important information with Agence France-Presse: “The towel was greenish blue, although we are not sure about its original color.”

Where No Spa Has Gone Before

Finally, just when you thought that physical fitness was the goal in medicine, a new kind of fitness rolls into town. Actually, that would be “phit”ness. Phit (pelvic health integrated techniques) is the brainchild of Manhattan gynecologist Lauri J. Romanzi, who recently opened what is probably the world's first gyno spa. According to her Web site,

www.theperfectphit.com

Government Gone Wild

If you're like us, and we know you are, you've been spending a lot of your waking hours wondering how the recent reorganization at the Food and Drug Administration's Office of Epidemiology—known inside the Beltway as “Animal House”—was going to turn out. Wonder no more. After an extended weekend “conference” (if you know what we mean) of drinking in the elixir of cooperation, dealing the cards of consensus, and sharing the naked truth of bureaucracy, the bleary-eyed and staggering survivors announced the results. The Division of Medication Error Prevention is now the Division of Medication Error Prevention and Analysis (new motto: “DMEPA Rocks!”), and the Division of Adverse Event Analysis I and II becomes the Division of Pharmacovigilance I and II. No wonder somebody called the cops.

The Speed of Drinking

Now, if there's one thing that the headbangers at the Division of Pharmacovigilance love more than pharmacovigilance, it's loud music. And now we know why: Loud music leads to faster drinking. French researchers visited bars on three Saturday nights and observed 40 men, aged 18-25 years, who ordered a draft beer. By previous arrangement with the bar owners, the investigators manipulated the volume of the music and discovered that louder music led to increased drinking in a shorter amount of time. In their report, scheduled to appear in the October issue of Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research, they offer two hypotheses: Loud music causes higher arousal, which leads to faster drinking—or loud music makes it hard to communicate, so people drink more and talk less. And, as any self-respecting epidemiologist will tell you, drinking more and talking less is what pharmacovigilance is all about.

The Ultimate Party Animal?

Drinking more and talking less does not seem to be a problem for the Malaysian pen-tailed tree shrew. These tiny mammals about the size of small rats are, according to a new study in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, the heaviest drinkers in the world. They live on the fermented nectar of the flower buds of the bertam palm, which can have an alcohol content of up to 3.8%. Investigators used radio collars to follow the shrews' movements and measured blood alcohol concentrations much higher than in humans with similar alcohol intake. “The amount of alcohol we're talking about is huge—it's several times the legal limit in most countries,” researcher Marc-André Lachance told LiveScience. Amazingly, the shrews showed no signs of intoxication, suggesting that any one of them could drink a pharmacovigilant epidemiologist under the table.

Tumors and Towels

And now, because Kmart does not have a monopoly on the blue-light special (or on pharmacovigilance), we present dental research from the Medical College of Georgia, Augusta. Investigators there have found that tumor growth was slowed by nearly 80% in mice exposed to the blue light used to harden dental fillings. Tissue analysis also showed that tumor cell apoptosis increased by 10% in mice receiving 90 seconds of daily blue-light treatment for 12 days. This is great news for cancer patients, to be sure, but it's not going to help those with one particular type of tumor—the kind that turns out to be a 25-year-old surgical towel. A patient at Asahi General Hospital in Chiba, Japan, was undergoing an operation to remove what was thought to be a 3.2-inch tumor, but the surgeons instead found the remnants of an operation performed in 1983 at the same hospital to treat an ulcer. The patient is not planning to sue, but a hospital spokesman shared this important information with Agence France-Presse: “The towel was greenish blue, although we are not sure about its original color.”

Where No Spa Has Gone Before

Finally, just when you thought that physical fitness was the goal in medicine, a new kind of fitness rolls into town. Actually, that would be “phit”ness. Phit (pelvic health integrated techniques) is the brainchild of Manhattan gynecologist Lauri J. Romanzi, who recently opened what is probably the world's first gyno spa. According to her Web site,

www.theperfectphit.com

Know Your Enema

Here in the Washington area, we're a bit jaded when it comes to monuments. But there's a new statue in Russia that definitely caught our attention. Located at the Mashuk-Akva Term spa in the southern city of Zheleznovodsk, the 5-foot-tall bronze syringe bulb supported by three cherubs is a tribute to everyone's favorite medical procedure, the enema. Sculptor Svetlana Avakina, who designed the $42,000, 800-pound anal monument, told Reuters that “an enema is an unpleasant procedure, as many of us know. But when cherubs do it, it's all right.” The Caucasus Mountain region has dozens of spas that routinely administer enemas from the area's mineral springs. There are so many spas giving so many enemas that Alexander Kharchenko, director of Mashuk-Akva, told the Associated Press that “an enema is almost a symbol of our region.”

The Walking Wounded

There's a war going on right now, and we're not talking about the war on terror. This war is being fought on the golf course, and it pits golfers who use carts against those who walk. Researchers at Sweden's Karolinska Institute noticed that the death rate among golfers is 40% lower than the rest of the population, which means they're living about 5 years longer. Professor Anders Ahlbom, coleader of the study, said, “A round of golf means being outside for 4 or 5 hours, walking [not riding] at a fast pace.” That the walking involved in golf is healthy comes as no surprise, especially to people who use carts. According to another recent study (Am. J. Prev. Med. 2008;35:55–9), the rate of golf cart-related injuries rose more than 130% from 1990 to 2006. Coincidence? We think not. The jealous cart users are obviously conspiring to eliminate their walking cohorts. And now they've got carts that are faster and more powerful to chase them. And they even have cart-based GPS systems to track them down! And the things run on electricity, so you can't even hear them coming! So, now do you want to hear how aliens are controlling the price of oil?

Downsized by Fruit

Somewhere, a Keebler elf is crying. The mothers of America have broken his heart. According to a report in USA Today, the most popular snack for children under 6 years old is no longer cookies. More kids are now eating fruit than they are any other snack, with cookies holding the No. 2 spot. NPD Group Inc., a market research company, compared food and beverage journals kept by 500 mothers in 1985–1987 with 600 journals from 2005–2007 and found that young children are more likely to eat fruit rolls, yogurt, and granola and less likely to eat ice cream, candy, and cake. “If this keeps up, we're going to have to lay off American elves and shift production to India or Mexico,” Head Elf Ernie said in a statement. Where have you gone, Cookie Monster?

Think and You Shall Receive

This is how “Planet of the Apes” began, right? With Charlton Heston jabbering something like, “Get your stinking robot arm off me, you damn dirty ape!” The University of Pittsburgh reports that a monkey has fed itself by using a robotic arm controlled solely with signals from said monkey's brain. A probe the width of a human hair is inserted into neuronal pathways in a monkey's motor cortex. The neurons' activity is then evaluated with a mathematic algorithm and sent to the arm, according to the minister of science, Dr. Zaius. The robot/monkey team hopes that its work will benefit people with spinal cord injuries and those with “locked-in” conditions such as amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, or Lou Gehrig's disease, said team leader Cornelius. When asked about his part in the project, the head monkey/test subject was certain that people would be able to repeat his performance: “You know the saying, 'Human see, human do.'”

Botox at Sea

Does anyone out there remember “The Love Boat”? If you do, then you certainly remember the show's theme song. If you don't, go find it on YouTube before you read any further. That's okay, we can wait. All right, is the song running through your head now? Good. Now try these alternate lyrics:

Cruise, at sea there's something new.

It's Botox, they're injecting you.

Cruise, Norwegian Cruise Line.

Get Perlane, and Restylane too.

Treatments directed by Dr. Brad Herman,

A Miami-based, certified plastic surgeon.

“Our spas are the best at sea,”

Said CEO Colin Veitch.

And fill your cruise vacation,

With eating and microdermabrasion.

You're next!

Welcome aboard.

Botox!

Know Your Enema

Here in the Washington area, we're a bit jaded when it comes to monuments. But there's a new statue in Russia that definitely caught our attention. Located at the Mashuk-Akva Term spa in the southern city of Zheleznovodsk, the 5-foot-tall bronze syringe bulb supported by three cherubs is a tribute to everyone's favorite medical procedure, the enema. Sculptor Svetlana Avakina, who designed the $42,000, 800-pound anal monument, told Reuters that “an enema is an unpleasant procedure, as many of us know. But when cherubs do it, it's all right.” The Caucasus Mountain region has dozens of spas that routinely administer enemas from the area's mineral springs. There are so many spas giving so many enemas that Alexander Kharchenko, director of Mashuk-Akva, told the Associated Press that “an enema is almost a symbol of our region.”

The Walking Wounded

There's a war going on right now, and we're not talking about the war on terror. This war is being fought on the golf course, and it pits golfers who use carts against those who walk. Researchers at Sweden's Karolinska Institute noticed that the death rate among golfers is 40% lower than the rest of the population, which means they're living about 5 years longer. Professor Anders Ahlbom, coleader of the study, said, “A round of golf means being outside for 4 or 5 hours, walking [not riding] at a fast pace.” That the walking involved in golf is healthy comes as no surprise, especially to people who use carts. According to another recent study (Am. J. Prev. Med. 2008;35:55–9), the rate of golf cart-related injuries rose more than 130% from 1990 to 2006. Coincidence? We think not. The jealous cart users are obviously conspiring to eliminate their walking cohorts. And now they've got carts that are faster and more powerful to chase them. And they even have cart-based GPS systems to track them down! And the things run on electricity, so you can't even hear them coming! So, now do you want to hear how aliens are controlling the price of oil?

Downsized by Fruit

Somewhere, a Keebler elf is crying. The mothers of America have broken his heart. According to a report in USA Today, the most popular snack for children under 6 years old is no longer cookies. More kids are now eating fruit than they are any other snack, with cookies holding the No. 2 spot. NPD Group Inc., a market research company, compared food and beverage journals kept by 500 mothers in 1985–1987 with 600 journals from 2005–2007 and found that young children are more likely to eat fruit rolls, yogurt, and granola and less likely to eat ice cream, candy, and cake. “If this keeps up, we're going to have to lay off American elves and shift production to India or Mexico,” Head Elf Ernie said in a statement. Where have you gone, Cookie Monster?

Think and You Shall Receive

This is how “Planet of the Apes” began, right? With Charlton Heston jabbering something like, “Get your stinking robot arm off me, you damn dirty ape!” The University of Pittsburgh reports that a monkey has fed itself by using a robotic arm controlled solely with signals from said monkey's brain. A probe the width of a human hair is inserted into neuronal pathways in a monkey's motor cortex. The neurons' activity is then evaluated with a mathematic algorithm and sent to the arm, according to the minister of science, Dr. Zaius. The robot/monkey team hopes that its work will benefit people with spinal cord injuries and those with “locked-in” conditions such as amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, or Lou Gehrig's disease, said team leader Cornelius. When asked about his part in the project, the head monkey/test subject was certain that people would be able to repeat his performance: “You know the saying, 'Human see, human do.'”

Botox at Sea

Does anyone out there remember “The Love Boat”? If you do, then you certainly remember the show's theme song. If you don't, go find it on YouTube before you read any further. That's okay, we can wait. All right, is the song running through your head now? Good. Now try these alternate lyrics:

Cruise, at sea there's something new.

It's Botox, they're injecting you.

Cruise, Norwegian Cruise Line.

Get Perlane, and Restylane too.

Treatments directed by Dr. Brad Herman,

A Miami-based, certified plastic surgeon.

“Our spas are the best at sea,”

Said CEO Colin Veitch.

And fill your cruise vacation,

With eating and microdermabrasion.

You're next!

Welcome aboard.

Botox!

Know Your Enema

Here in the Washington area, we're a bit jaded when it comes to monuments. But there's a new statue in Russia that definitely caught our attention. Located at the Mashuk-Akva Term spa in the southern city of Zheleznovodsk, the 5-foot-tall bronze syringe bulb supported by three cherubs is a tribute to everyone's favorite medical procedure, the enema. Sculptor Svetlana Avakina, who designed the $42,000, 800-pound anal monument, told Reuters that “an enema is an unpleasant procedure, as many of us know. But when cherubs do it, it's all right.” The Caucasus Mountain region has dozens of spas that routinely administer enemas from the area's mineral springs. There are so many spas giving so many enemas that Alexander Kharchenko, director of Mashuk-Akva, told the Associated Press that “an enema is almost a symbol of our region.”

The Walking Wounded

There's a war going on right now, and we're not talking about the war on terror. This war is being fought on the golf course, and it pits golfers who use carts against those who walk. Researchers at Sweden's Karolinska Institute noticed that the death rate among golfers is 40% lower than the rest of the population, which means they're living about 5 years longer. Professor Anders Ahlbom, coleader of the study, said, “A round of golf means being outside for 4 or 5 hours, walking [not riding] at a fast pace.” That the walking involved in golf is healthy comes as no surprise, especially to people who use carts. According to another recent study (Am. J. Prev. Med. 2008;35:55–9), the rate of golf cart-related injuries rose more than 130% from 1990 to 2006. Coincidence? We think not. The jealous cart users are obviously conspiring to eliminate their walking cohorts. And now they've got carts that are faster and more powerful to chase them. And they even have cart-based GPS systems to track them down! And the things run on electricity, so you can't even hear them coming! So, now do you want to hear how aliens are controlling the price of oil?

Downsized by Fruit

Somewhere, a Keebler elf is crying. The mothers of America have broken his heart. According to a report in USA Today, the most popular snack for children under 6 years old is no longer cookies. More kids are now eating fruit than they are any other snack, with cookies holding the No. 2 spot. NPD Group Inc., a market research company, compared food and beverage journals kept by 500 mothers in 1985–1987 with 600 journals from 2005–2007 and found that young children are more likely to eat fruit rolls, yogurt, and granola and less likely to eat ice cream, candy, and cake. “If this keeps up, we're going to have to lay off American elves and shift production to India or Mexico,” Head Elf Ernie said in a statement. Where have you gone, Cookie Monster?

Think and You Shall Receive

This is how “Planet of the Apes” began, right? With Charlton Heston jabbering something like, “Get your stinking robot arm off me, you damn dirty ape!” The University of Pittsburgh reports that a monkey has fed itself by using a robotic arm controlled solely with signals from said monkey's brain. A probe the width of a human hair is inserted into neuronal pathways in a monkey's motor cortex. The neurons' activity is then evaluated with a mathematic algorithm and sent to the arm, according to the minister of science, Dr. Zaius. The robot/monkey team hopes that its work will benefit people with spinal cord injuries and those with “locked-in” conditions such as amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, or Lou Gehrig's disease, said team leader Cornelius. When asked about his part in the project, the head monkey/test subject was certain that people would be able to repeat his performance: “You know the saying, 'Human see, human do.'”

Botox at Sea

Does anyone out there remember “The Love Boat”? If you do, then you certainly remember the show's theme song. If you don't, go find it on YouTube before you read any further. That's okay, we can wait. All right, is the song running through your head now? Good. Now try these alternate lyrics:

Cruise, at sea there's something new.

It's Botox, they're injecting you.

Cruise, Norwegian Cruise Line.

Get Perlane, and Restylane too.

Treatments directed by Dr. Brad Herman,

A Miami-based, certified plastic surgeon.

“Our spas are the best at sea,”

Said CEO Colin Veitch.

And fill your cruise vacation,

With eating and microdermabrasion.

You're next!

Welcome aboard.

Botox!

You're All Fighting for Second

We don't do a lot of book reviews (none, actually) here at the Bureau of Indications, but a book came across the desk that we just have to mention. The 20th-anniversary edition of “Kill as Few Patients as Possible—and Fifty-Six Other Essays on How to Be the World's Best Doctor,” written by Dr. Oscar London (a pseudonym), contains such gems as “Don't be the last Doc on the block to own a plastic gallbladder” and “Call in death as a consultant.” Kind of warms your heart, doesn't it? As the self-proclaimed “World's Best Doctor,” Dr. London felt it was his duty to provide other physicians with the means to become the “world's second-best doctor.” He goes about it in a decidedly non-politically correct manner that may be best exemplified by his dieting advice. High-fiber health food, he says, causes intestinal gas, and “I'd rather be carted out at 60 than farted out at 90.”

Organ Donors

Well, spring is here, and organs are busting out all over. The last couple of months have seen several advances in NOTES, or natural orifice transluminal endoscopic surgery. ("Orifice” is one of those words that just sounds funny, don't you think? Say it quietly to yourself: orifice. You chuckled a little, didn't you?) A team of surgeons from the Hospital Clinic de Barcelona was the first in Europe to remove a kidney through a patient's vagina. Only days before, surgeons at the University of California, San Diego, were the first in the United States to remove a patient's appendix through her vagina. A couple of weeks earlier, UC San Diego had claimed the first oral appendix removal in the United States. The appendix patient, Jeff Scholz, a 42-year-old Californian, was happy to report that his pain was “a 2 on a scale of 1–10” a day after the surgery. When his mother heard about the surgery, she remarked, “I'm not surprised. You wouldn't believe some of the things that have come out of his mouth.”

Police Pursue Penis Purloiners

The latest report from the Democratic Republic of Congo suggests that surgeons may not be the only ones removing body parts these days. In Kinshasa, police recently arrested 13 sorcerers for allegedly using witchcraft to steal or shrink other men's penises. The arrests come after rumors of penis theft spread through the city, dominating radio call-in shows and leading to a number of attempted lynchings of people believed to be sorcerers. The victims, 14 of whom were also arrested, said that the sorcerers just touched them and made their penises either disappear or shrink. Kinshasa police chief Jean-Dieudonne Oleko said to Reuters, “I tell them, 'How do you know if you haven't gone home and tried it?'”

New Botox Revenue Stream?

This month's Botox-related news comes to us from Italy, where investigators injected a laboratory preparation of botulinum toxin A into a bunch of appearance-conscious rats to track its “long-distance retrograde effects.” Within 3 days of being injected into rodents' whisker muscles, evidence of the toxin was detected in the brainstem, as reported in the Journal of Neuroscience. When the botulinum was injected in the hippocampus in one hemisphere, it migrated to the hippocampus in the opposite hemisphere. When it was injected into the superior colliculus, a visual center, it moved to the rats' eyes. These findings conflict with earlier studies showing that botulinum is broken down at the injection site and does not move through nerves. Maybe, though, the brain is not such a bad place for Botox to be. After all, brains are full of wrinkles.

Anything for Charity

The organs may be busting out, but it's not really spring here in the Washington area until the American Liver Foundation's local chapter holds its annual “Flavors of Northern Virginia” event. This year, guests enjoyed a five-course meal, complete with wine pairings, prepared by chefs from 11 local restaurants, including Fleming's Prime Steak House & Wine Bar and Ruth's Chris Steak House. Okay, let's see if we've got this right: People paid $100 a person to fight liver disease by eating a calorie-laden, wine-accompanied meal that is the type of thing that causes fatty liver disease? What else would you expect from an organization that refers to itself as ALF in a press release? In that same vein, though—raising money by doing the thing you're trying to prevent—why not fight the spread of sexually transmitted diseases by having an orgy? Or the Sierra Club could auction off logging rights at Yellowstone. The possibilities are endless.

You're All Fighting for Second

We don't do a lot of book reviews (none, actually) here at the Bureau of Indications, but a book came across the desk that we just have to mention. The 20th-anniversary edition of “Kill as Few Patients as Possible—and Fifty-Six Other Essays on How to Be the World's Best Doctor,” written by Dr. Oscar London (a pseudonym), contains such gems as “Don't be the last Doc on the block to own a plastic gallbladder” and “Call in death as a consultant.” Kind of warms your heart, doesn't it? As the self-proclaimed “World's Best Doctor,” Dr. London felt it was his duty to provide other physicians with the means to become the “world's second-best doctor.” He goes about it in a decidedly non-politically correct manner that may be best exemplified by his dieting advice. High-fiber health food, he says, causes intestinal gas, and “I'd rather be carted out at 60 than farted out at 90.”

Organ Donors

Well, spring is here, and organs are busting out all over. The last couple of months have seen several advances in NOTES, or natural orifice transluminal endoscopic surgery. ("Orifice” is one of those words that just sounds funny, don't you think? Say it quietly to yourself: orifice. You chuckled a little, didn't you?) A team of surgeons from the Hospital Clinic de Barcelona was the first in Europe to remove a kidney through a patient's vagina. Only days before, surgeons at the University of California, San Diego, were the first in the United States to remove a patient's appendix through her vagina. A couple of weeks earlier, UC San Diego had claimed the first oral appendix removal in the United States. The appendix patient, Jeff Scholz, a 42-year-old Californian, was happy to report that his pain was “a 2 on a scale of 1–10” a day after the surgery. When his mother heard about the surgery, she remarked, “I'm not surprised. You wouldn't believe some of the things that have come out of his mouth.”

Police Pursue Penis Purloiners

The latest report from the Democratic Republic of Congo suggests that surgeons may not be the only ones removing body parts these days. In Kinshasa, police recently arrested 13 sorcerers for allegedly using witchcraft to steal or shrink other men's penises. The arrests come after rumors of penis theft spread through the city, dominating radio call-in shows and leading to a number of attempted lynchings of people believed to be sorcerers. The victims, 14 of whom were also arrested, said that the sorcerers just touched them and made their penises either disappear or shrink. Kinshasa police chief Jean-Dieudonne Oleko said to Reuters, “I tell them, 'How do you know if you haven't gone home and tried it?'”

New Botox Revenue Stream?

This month's Botox-related news comes to us from Italy, where investigators injected a laboratory preparation of botulinum toxin A into a bunch of appearance-conscious rats to track its “long-distance retrograde effects.” Within 3 days of being injected into rodents' whisker muscles, evidence of the toxin was detected in the brainstem, as reported in the Journal of Neuroscience. When the botulinum was injected in the hippocampus in one hemisphere, it migrated to the hippocampus in the opposite hemisphere. When it was injected into the superior colliculus, a visual center, it moved to the rats' eyes. These findings conflict with earlier studies showing that botulinum is broken down at the injection site and does not move through nerves. Maybe, though, the brain is not such a bad place for Botox to be. After all, brains are full of wrinkles.

Anything for Charity

The organs may be busting out, but it's not really spring here in the Washington area until the American Liver Foundation's local chapter holds its annual “Flavors of Northern Virginia” event. This year, guests enjoyed a five-course meal, complete with wine pairings, prepared by chefs from 11 local restaurants, including Fleming's Prime Steak House & Wine Bar and Ruth's Chris Steak House. Okay, let's see if we've got this right: People paid $100 a person to fight liver disease by eating a calorie-laden, wine-accompanied meal that is the type of thing that causes fatty liver disease? What else would you expect from an organization that refers to itself as ALF in a press release? In that same vein, though—raising money by doing the thing you're trying to prevent—why not fight the spread of sexually transmitted diseases by having an orgy? Or the Sierra Club could auction off logging rights at Yellowstone. The possibilities are endless.

You're All Fighting for Second

We don't do a lot of book reviews (none, actually) here at the Bureau of Indications, but a book came across the desk that we just have to mention. The 20th-anniversary edition of “Kill as Few Patients as Possible—and Fifty-Six Other Essays on How to Be the World's Best Doctor,” written by Dr. Oscar London (a pseudonym), contains such gems as “Don't be the last Doc on the block to own a plastic gallbladder” and “Call in death as a consultant.” Kind of warms your heart, doesn't it? As the self-proclaimed “World's Best Doctor,” Dr. London felt it was his duty to provide other physicians with the means to become the “world's second-best doctor.” He goes about it in a decidedly non-politically correct manner that may be best exemplified by his dieting advice. High-fiber health food, he says, causes intestinal gas, and “I'd rather be carted out at 60 than farted out at 90.”

Organ Donors

Well, spring is here, and organs are busting out all over. The last couple of months have seen several advances in NOTES, or natural orifice transluminal endoscopic surgery. ("Orifice” is one of those words that just sounds funny, don't you think? Say it quietly to yourself: orifice. You chuckled a little, didn't you?) A team of surgeons from the Hospital Clinic de Barcelona was the first in Europe to remove a kidney through a patient's vagina. Only days before, surgeons at the University of California, San Diego, were the first in the United States to remove a patient's appendix through her vagina. A couple of weeks earlier, UC San Diego had claimed the first oral appendix removal in the United States. The appendix patient, Jeff Scholz, a 42-year-old Californian, was happy to report that his pain was “a 2 on a scale of 1–10” a day after the surgery. When his mother heard about the surgery, she remarked, “I'm not surprised. You wouldn't believe some of the things that have come out of his mouth.”

Police Pursue Penis Purloiners

The latest report from the Democratic Republic of Congo suggests that surgeons may not be the only ones removing body parts these days. In Kinshasa, police recently arrested 13 sorcerers for allegedly using witchcraft to steal or shrink other men's penises. The arrests come after rumors of penis theft spread through the city, dominating radio call-in shows and leading to a number of attempted lynchings of people believed to be sorcerers. The victims, 14 of whom were also arrested, said that the sorcerers just touched them and made their penises either disappear or shrink. Kinshasa police chief Jean-Dieudonne Oleko said to Reuters, “I tell them, 'How do you know if you haven't gone home and tried it?'”

New Botox Revenue Stream?

This month's Botox-related news comes to us from Italy, where investigators injected a laboratory preparation of botulinum toxin A into a bunch of appearance-conscious rats to track its “long-distance retrograde effects.” Within 3 days of being injected into rodents' whisker muscles, evidence of the toxin was detected in the brainstem, as reported in the Journal of Neuroscience. When the botulinum was injected in the hippocampus in one hemisphere, it migrated to the hippocampus in the opposite hemisphere. When it was injected into the superior colliculus, a visual center, it moved to the rats' eyes. These findings conflict with earlier studies showing that botulinum is broken down at the injection site and does not move through nerves. Maybe, though, the brain is not such a bad place for Botox to be. After all, brains are full of wrinkles.

Anything for Charity

The organs may be busting out, but it's not really spring here in the Washington area until the American Liver Foundation's local chapter holds its annual “Flavors of Northern Virginia” event. This year, guests enjoyed a five-course meal, complete with wine pairings, prepared by chefs from 11 local restaurants, including Fleming's Prime Steak House & Wine Bar and Ruth's Chris Steak House. Okay, let's see if we've got this right: People paid $100 a person to fight liver disease by eating a calorie-laden, wine-accompanied meal that is the type of thing that causes fatty liver disease? What else would you expect from an organization that refers to itself as ALF in a press release? In that same vein, though—raising money by doing the thing you're trying to prevent—why not fight the spread of sexually transmitted diseases by having an orgy? Or the Sierra Club could auction off logging rights at Yellowstone. The possibilities are endless.

'I Play One on TV'

Have you seen those Lipitor commercials with Dr. Robert Jarvik? Did you know that Pfizer paid him at least $1.35 million to do those ads, even though he's not a cardiologist? Are you surprised to learn that he's not even licensed to practice medicine, although he does have a medical degree? What would you say if we told you that some of his former colleagues wrote to Pfizer in 2006 to complain that Dr. Jarvik was somewhat misidentified as “the inventor of the artificial heart”? How about that House Energy and Commerce Committee, which is examining the commercials as part of its investigation of consumer drug advertising? Who was that body double rowing across the lake in one of the ads, since Dr. Jarvik does not appear to row himself? Are we the first to tell you that Pfizer has agreed to pull those ads? Is anyone besides us expecting the next Lipitor campaign to include Dr Pepper, Dr. House, and Julius Erving? Who thinks we should stop trying to write while “Jeopardy” is on?

Yippee!

How's your golf game? Specifically, how's your putting? Are you a little shaky on those 3- and 4-footers? (We're changing the channel now.) Rich Lundahl is, and after he missed a 6-inch putt in the final round of the 2005 Fairbanks Open, he sought professional help from Dr. Charles Adler of the Mayo Clinic in Scottsdale, Ariz., who was studying the causes of putters' cramp, better known as the yips. While 25 yippers and 25 nonyippers putted, he measured muscle activity in the right hand and forearm with a virtual-reality glove so special even Tiger Woods doesn't have one—the $14,000 CyberGlove. The results aren't in yet, but here's a clue to Dr. Adler's recommended treatment for the yips: The study was sponsored by Allergan Inc., whose biggest seller happens to be Botox. Stay tuned.

Two Great Tastes

Have you ever held a piece of pork fat and wondered, “How can I make this taste even better?” (Okay, we're turning the TV off. Really.) Wonder no more. Great culinary minds in Ukraine—where people have been eating pork fat, or “salo,” for years—have taken the next great leap for all pork-kind: They are dipping salo in chocolate. Death rates from heart disease in Ukraine already are among the highest in Europe, so physicians there are not exactly embracing the “super” salo. “People should steer clear of the Ukrainian Snickers,” Dr. Svetlana Fus of the Kiev Medical Research Center told the Bureau of Indications' London office (you may know it better as the BBC). Pfizer's Ukrainian division is now working on chocolate-covered Lipitor.

Not-So-Lean Fighting Machine

The Ukrainians may say that they love chocolate-covered pork fat, but we think we know where the super salo is really going. In Germany, soldiers think that the army's motto is “Eat all you can eat.” A report written for the Defense Ministry, which drew from a study conducted at the University of Cologne, showed that 40% of all German soldiers aged 18–29 years are overweight, compared with 35% of civilians in the same age group. It also noted that 70% of Germany's 250,000 soldiers are regular smokers. Reinhold Robbe, parliamentary commissioner for the military and the report's author, wrote, “Soldiers are too fat, don't do enough sports, and don't pay attention to what they eat.” Maybe they're paying too much attention to what they eat.

Man's Best Friend

Living with pets helps elderly people avoid loneliness, and animal-assisted therapy using dogs has become an accepted part of care in nursing homes. So why not try using a robot dog? Enter AIBO. Residents at three nursing homes in St. Louis received weekly visits from AIBO the robotic dog, a live dog, or no dog at all. Surprisingly, the AIBO and live-dog groups enjoyed the same drops in loneliness, which leads the Bureau of Indications to ask: What else can be replaced by a robot dog? Here are some suggestions: Mickey Mouse, Congress, global warming, the Burger King (you know, the guy in the commercials with the huge plastic head), Barry Bonds (another guy with a really big head), synchronized swimming, Howard Dean (has anyone ever measured his head?), Heathrow airport, the infield fly rule, lima beans, Mitt Romney (normal-size head, big hair), the subprime mortgage market, Britney Spears, Comcast, Hugo Chavez (big head, even bigger ego), Guitar Hero, the George Foreman grill, George Foreman. … You get the idea. If you know of someone, or something, that could be replaced by AIBO the robot dog, send your idea to us at

[email protected]

'I Play One on TV'

Have you seen those Lipitor commercials with Dr. Robert Jarvik? Did you know that Pfizer paid him at least $1.35 million to do those ads, even though he's not a cardiologist? Are you surprised to learn that he's not even licensed to practice medicine, although he does have a medical degree? What would you say if we told you that some of his former colleagues wrote to Pfizer in 2006 to complain that Dr. Jarvik was somewhat misidentified as “the inventor of the artificial heart”? How about that House Energy and Commerce Committee, which is examining the commercials as part of its investigation of consumer drug advertising? Who was that body double rowing across the lake in one of the ads, since Dr. Jarvik does not appear to row himself? Are we the first to tell you that Pfizer has agreed to pull those ads? Is anyone besides us expecting the next Lipitor campaign to include Dr Pepper, Dr. House, and Julius Erving? Who thinks we should stop trying to write while “Jeopardy” is on?

Yippee!

How's your golf game? Specifically, how's your putting? Are you a little shaky on those 3- and 4-footers? (We're changing the channel now.) Rich Lundahl is, and after he missed a 6-inch putt in the final round of the 2005 Fairbanks Open, he sought professional help from Dr. Charles Adler of the Mayo Clinic in Scottsdale, Ariz., who was studying the causes of putters' cramp, better known as the yips. While 25 yippers and 25 nonyippers putted, he measured muscle activity in the right hand and forearm with a virtual-reality glove so special even Tiger Woods doesn't have one—the $14,000 CyberGlove. The results aren't in yet, but here's a clue to Dr. Adler's recommended treatment for the yips: The study was sponsored by Allergan Inc., whose biggest seller happens to be Botox. Stay tuned.

Two Great Tastes

Have you ever held a piece of pork fat and wondered, “How can I make this taste even better?” (Okay, we're turning the TV off. Really.) Wonder no more. Great culinary minds in Ukraine—where people have been eating pork fat, or “salo,” for years—have taken the next great leap for all pork-kind: They are dipping salo in chocolate. Death rates from heart disease in Ukraine already are among the highest in Europe, so physicians there are not exactly embracing the “super” salo. “People should steer clear of the Ukrainian Snickers,” Dr. Svetlana Fus of the Kiev Medical Research Center told the Bureau of Indications' London office (you may know it better as the BBC). Pfizer's Ukrainian division is now working on chocolate-covered Lipitor.

Not-So-Lean Fighting Machine

The Ukrainians may say that they love chocolate-covered pork fat, but we think we know where the super salo is really going. In Germany, soldiers think that the army's motto is “Eat all you can eat.” A report written for the Defense Ministry, which drew from a study conducted at the University of Cologne, showed that 40% of all German soldiers aged 18–29 years are overweight, compared with 35% of civilians in the same age group. It also noted that 70% of Germany's 250,000 soldiers are regular smokers. Reinhold Robbe, parliamentary commissioner for the military and the report's author, wrote, “Soldiers are too fat, don't do enough sports, and don't pay attention to what they eat.” Maybe they're paying too much attention to what they eat.

Man's Best Friend

Living with pets helps elderly people avoid loneliness, and animal-assisted therapy using dogs has become an accepted part of care in nursing homes. So why not try using a robot dog? Enter AIBO. Residents at three nursing homes in St. Louis received weekly visits from AIBO the robotic dog, a live dog, or no dog at all. Surprisingly, the AIBO and live-dog groups enjoyed the same drops in loneliness, which leads the Bureau of Indications to ask: What else can be replaced by a robot dog? Here are some suggestions: Mickey Mouse, Congress, global warming, the Burger King (you know, the guy in the commercials with the huge plastic head), Barry Bonds (another guy with a really big head), synchronized swimming, Howard Dean (has anyone ever measured his head?), Heathrow airport, the infield fly rule, lima beans, Mitt Romney (normal-size head, big hair), the subprime mortgage market, Britney Spears, Comcast, Hugo Chavez (big head, even bigger ego), Guitar Hero, the George Foreman grill, George Foreman. … You get the idea. If you know of someone, or something, that could be replaced by AIBO the robot dog, send your idea to us at

[email protected]

'I Play One on TV'

Have you seen those Lipitor commercials with Dr. Robert Jarvik? Did you know that Pfizer paid him at least $1.35 million to do those ads, even though he's not a cardiologist? Are you surprised to learn that he's not even licensed to practice medicine, although he does have a medical degree? What would you say if we told you that some of his former colleagues wrote to Pfizer in 2006 to complain that Dr. Jarvik was somewhat misidentified as “the inventor of the artificial heart”? How about that House Energy and Commerce Committee, which is examining the commercials as part of its investigation of consumer drug advertising? Who was that body double rowing across the lake in one of the ads, since Dr. Jarvik does not appear to row himself? Are we the first to tell you that Pfizer has agreed to pull those ads? Is anyone besides us expecting the next Lipitor campaign to include Dr Pepper, Dr. House, and Julius Erving? Who thinks we should stop trying to write while “Jeopardy” is on?

Yippee!

How's your golf game? Specifically, how's your putting? Are you a little shaky on those 3- and 4-footers? (We're changing the channel now.) Rich Lundahl is, and after he missed a 6-inch putt in the final round of the 2005 Fairbanks Open, he sought professional help from Dr. Charles Adler of the Mayo Clinic in Scottsdale, Ariz., who was studying the causes of putters' cramp, better known as the yips. While 25 yippers and 25 nonyippers putted, he measured muscle activity in the right hand and forearm with a virtual-reality glove so special even Tiger Woods doesn't have one—the $14,000 CyberGlove. The results aren't in yet, but here's a clue to Dr. Adler's recommended treatment for the yips: The study was sponsored by Allergan Inc., whose biggest seller happens to be Botox. Stay tuned.

Two Great Tastes

Have you ever held a piece of pork fat and wondered, “How can I make this taste even better?” (Okay, we're turning the TV off. Really.) Wonder no more. Great culinary minds in Ukraine—where people have been eating pork fat, or “salo,” for years—have taken the next great leap for all pork-kind: They are dipping salo in chocolate. Death rates from heart disease in Ukraine already are among the highest in Europe, so physicians there are not exactly embracing the “super” salo. “People should steer clear of the Ukrainian Snickers,” Dr. Svetlana Fus of the Kiev Medical Research Center told the Bureau of Indications' London office (you may know it better as the BBC). Pfizer's Ukrainian division is now working on chocolate-covered Lipitor.

Not-So-Lean Fighting Machine

The Ukrainians may say that they love chocolate-covered pork fat, but we think we know where the super salo is really going. In Germany, soldiers think that the army's motto is “Eat all you can eat.” A report written for the Defense Ministry, which drew from a study conducted at the University of Cologne, showed that 40% of all German soldiers aged 18–29 years are overweight, compared with 35% of civilians in the same age group. It also noted that 70% of Germany's 250,000 soldiers are regular smokers. Reinhold Robbe, parliamentary commissioner for the military and the report's author, wrote, “Soldiers are too fat, don't do enough sports, and don't pay attention to what they eat.” Maybe they're paying too much attention to what they eat.

Man's Best Friend

Living with pets helps elderly people avoid loneliness, and animal-assisted therapy using dogs has become an accepted part of care in nursing homes. So why not try using a robot dog? Enter AIBO. Residents at three nursing homes in St. Louis received weekly visits from AIBO the robotic dog, a live dog, or no dog at all. Surprisingly, the AIBO and live-dog groups enjoyed the same drops in loneliness, which leads the Bureau of Indications to ask: What else can be replaced by a robot dog? Here are some suggestions: Mickey Mouse, Congress, global warming, the Burger King (you know, the guy in the commercials with the huge plastic head), Barry Bonds (another guy with a really big head), synchronized swimming, Howard Dean (has anyone ever measured his head?), Heathrow airport, the infield fly rule, lima beans, Mitt Romney (normal-size head, big hair), the subprime mortgage market, Britney Spears, Comcast, Hugo Chavez (big head, even bigger ego), Guitar Hero, the George Foreman grill, George Foreman. … You get the idea. If you know of someone, or something, that could be replaced by AIBO the robot dog, send your idea to us at

[email protected]